Shepherd Express - Art for Art's Sake http://shepherdexpress.com/articles.sec-15-1-art-for-arts-sake.html Sat, 04 Jul 2015 00:00:00 CDT en hourly 1 In Depends Day http://shepherdexpress.com/article-26028-in-depends-day.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? All right already, hey, don’t get your escalating undies all bollixed up in a bunket of tro’ for crying out loud. The answer is “yes,” abso-focking-lutely I am mulling my druthers for another ]]> Bride Comes Before the Fall http://shepherdexpress.com/article-25959-bride-comes-before-the-fall.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, here we are in the month of June, that favorite time of year for young ladies to become new brides; and their ]]> Class Bull http://shepherdexpress.com/article-25918-class-bull.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, don’t have much to offer you’s this week in way of an essay, sorry to say. I’m pressed for time and ]]> Eat & Drink Near the Dome - Tailgate Spots Before, During and After the Game http://shepherdexpress.com/article-25877-eat-drink-near-the-dome-tailgate-spots-before-during-and-after-the-game.html The Art Kumbalek Experience http://shepherdexpress.com/article-25850-the-art-kumbalek-experience.html
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Now Bitching for Milwaukee http://shepherdexpress.com/article-25802-now-bitching-for-milwaukee.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So, speaking of the fact that it’s more likely that Beer Town citizens will learn to fly like Superman before elected knobshines give the high-sign to light rail AND because I read an article the ]]> Speflunking http://shepherdexpress.com/article-25758-speflunking.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, it’s the merry month of May so I hear. And I would be remiss if I didn’t send out a Big Fat Happy Birthday to Plato, perhaps the Numero Uno of the old-time-ancient ]]> Mother’s Little Yelper http://shepherdexpress.com/article-25678-mother%25E2%2580%2599s-little-yelper.html Artie in Wunderland http://shepherdexpress.com/article-25607-artie-in-wunderland.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, in regard to my recent medical adventures, I’m reminded of a little story: A patient is sitting on the examination table. He says, “Doctor, you look puzzled. Is something wrong?” The doctor ]]> Universal Indian http://shepherdexpress.com/article-25560-universal-indian.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I’ll be lying low come this Earth Day (which for you’s may already have come and gone)not that I’d do much celebrating of the day even if I were to be at the top of my game, no sir. As always, I won’t celebrate until they make Earth Day the]]> Save the Uptowner http://shepherdexpress.com/article-25499-save-the-uptowner.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So what I had planned to say this week was that I don’t know about you, but I’m having one heck of a hard time believing it’s already the fourth month of this new year. Cripes, here I am still in negotiations with the aftereffect of ]]> Man Goes to a Doctor… http://shepherdexpress.com/article-25332-man-goes-to-a-doctor%25E2%2580%25A6.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, if I said that I was thinking of giving up working for the rest of Lent, I guess I wasn’t kidding. Turns out I’m scheduled for a medical procedure right about now, the ramification of such could make me a non-worker right through Easter ]]> Where Wise Men Never Go http://shepherdexpress.com/article-25292-where-wise-men-never-go.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, the Shepherd had asked me again to write a gasbag investigative story about whether there’s lost productivity on the part of the American workingman during the NCAA college hoopla tournament. After a little research and hobnobbing]]> One Whining Moment, Again http://shepherdexpress.com/article-25255-one-whining-moment-again.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, as a longstanding lapsed Catholic, somehow I gosh darn still get compulsed to make a personal sacrifice when Lenten season strikes. One thing]]> Trunk Junk http://shepherdexpress.com/article-25178-trunk-junk.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, what with the daylight-saving time crock-of-clock sneaking up this past Sunday to steal an hour from me, I’m all fershimmeled, what the fock]]> American Griper http://shepherdexpress.com/article-25143-american-griper.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, as the late, great Alex Thien would say, here’s a newsy bit to start your day, a headline out of The Washington Post that reads: “Portrait ]]> Fifty Shades of Bray http://shepherdexpress.com/article-25047-fifty-shades-of-bray.html
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The Bull’s I http://shepherdexpress.com/article-25000-the-bull%25E2%2580%2599s-i.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, right now I don’t have the time to whip out a big honking essay for you’s that’s going to match up with the goddamn deadline I’m supposed to cram up my dupa week-to-focking-week; so sue me.]]> Show Me What It Looks Like to Kiss Like a Girl http://shepherdexpress.com/article-24882-show-me-what-it-looks-like-to-kiss-like-a-girl.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, about the humongous snowstorms here and around the country lately, a reminder to the TV weather guys and gals: You’re jerking my beefaroni when you describe the storm as of “Biblical proportions.” Hey, the people who first made up the ]]> Green Bay Bozo http://shepherdexpress.com/article-24744-green-bay-bozo.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I hear America’s Dairyland despairing, the varied requiems to Super Bowl dreams I hear. To have parked one’s fat dupa on the davenport in front of the TV, week after week after week, girded to reap the spoils of ultimate Green & Gold glory]]> History Department, Please http://shepherdexpress.com/article-24730-history-department-please.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, with nothing better to do last Friday, Jan. 9, I thought I’d check out what purports to be news these days and discovered that disgraced and potty-mouthed former President Richard M. Nixon “would’ve been” 102 ]]> Thumpety, Thump, Thump http://shepherdexpress.com/article-24671-thumpety-thump-thump.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And holy schnikes, frosty enough out there for you’s? So listen, over the holidays I received a very nice and much appreciated card from a faithful reader, which caused me to reflect on what a very lucky fellow I am after all. We’re into January and the ]]> Another Few of My Favorite Ba-dings! http://shepherdexpress.com/article-24549-another-few-of-my-favorite-ba-dings_.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I seem to recall that about one year ago December, I hypothesized that a whole bunch of you’s were likely struck dumb by your Christmas shopping obligations, as in, “What should I get and which lottery game should I enter so I can]]> Upon a Midnight Beer http://shepherdexpress.com/article-24533-upon-a-midnight-beer.html ]]> Big Focking Deal http://shepherdexpress.com/article-24502-big-focking-deal.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So let me tell you about something that has tossed and turned me fitlessly when I should’ve been more than sound asleep within the friendly confines of my dinky apartment: It’s the nagging inkling that a lot of knuckleheads these days think]]> Gobble Gobbull http://shepherdexpress.com/article-24458-gobble-gobbull.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And for our valiant big buck hunters up a tree or scattered to and fro across Badgerland’s hills and dales presently, here’s a story that never fails to put the guys in the mood for a night of beer-bingeing after a long day outdoors shooting at each other]]> Cloudy with a Guarantee of Goofballs http://shepherdexpress.com/article-24380-cloudy-with-a-guarantee-of-goofballs.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? OK, a couple, three things here but first: Holy focking schnikes, how ’bout the frigidity of this weather for christ sakes. Hey, for those of you’s who got caught with your winter pants down and now got the heebie-jeebies, wondering how the heck you will ]]> Future Tense http://shepherdexpress.com/article-24325-future-tense.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, right now for me it’s election day Tuesday, Nov. 4, and I’m sitting here with the heebie-jeebies on account of wondering if the nationwide Republicans along with our own Gov. Snidely Whiplash will somehow manage to swipe another ]]> Hey Schmo, Where You Going http://shepherdexpress.com/article-24126-hey-schmo-where-you-going.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I’m expecting any day now for some tea-bagging douche-bag Republican House clown]]> In the Belfry http://shepherdexpress.com/article-24079-in-the-belfry.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So yeah, another 130th Uptowner tavern/charm school anniversary shebang has come and gone and]]> Deflower Power http://shepherdexpress.com/article-23899-deflower-power.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Cripes, back to school and Labor Day, already? And after that, next holiday you get the day off to go by your relatives and drink their]]> Scooper Pooper http://shepherdexpress.com/article-23754-scooper-pooper.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, it’s another week where I’m not able to pinch off a slam-bang essay for your perusal platter on account I’m scheduled to rendezvous with my Milwaukee county sheriff campaign brain trust to figure out a way I can score some time on the TV talk

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Sheep Dip Dalliance http://shepherdexpress.com/article-23718-sheep-dip-dalliance.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, just got off the phone with my pal Little Jimmy Iodine and now I need to take off in a couple, three minutes to head up over to the Uptowner tavern/charm school where me and the fellas shall gather to make our plans for getting out to the

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’Hosen Off http://shepherdexpress.com/article-23700-%25E2%2580%2599hosen-off.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, just a quick reminder to everyone not to forget that yes, indeed, I am a candidate-in-waiting to be your next governor

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Trotting Out the Bull http://shepherdexpress.com/article-23639-trotting-out-the-bull.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So yeah, I wasn’t around last week to whip out an essay on account of needing to take one of those work-vacations with some of the fellas so’s we could research a little on a billion-dollar idea Little Jimmy Iodine had a couple, three years back

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Doodle Dandy http://shepherdexpress.com/article-23580-doodle-dandy.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, once again after all these years when it comes to this time of year, year-in, year-out, if you even begin to think I could possibly have any gas left to pass through another essay on that annual Summerfest musical racket down there by our

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John Doughless http://shepherdexpress.com/article-23550-john-doughless.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, there’s no time to lose. It just dawned on me now that a couple, three Dairyland governor contestants already got their campaigns launched for 2014’s dock, the focksticks. So I got to run pronto to meet up with mine own campaign brain trust

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Still No Cure http://shepherdexpress.com/article-23529-still-no-cure.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And about this summer solstice June 21, it’s a bad news/good news deal to me. Bad news: June 21 is the first—not the last—focking day of summer with way

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Bender Man http://shepherdexpress.com/article-23456-bender-man.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, no essay for you’s again this week. I got to meet up with the fellas so’s we can make our Polish

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A Wake in Progress http://shepherdexpress.com/article-23383-a-wake-in-progress.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Hey, just so you know, this year marks the 60th anniversary from when RC-focking-A built the first

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Dancin’ in the Streets http://shepherdexpress.com/article-23338-dancin%25E2%2580%2599-in-the-streets.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, here it is already May what-the-fock and I have yet to receive nary a single invite to be the

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Just a Guy http://shepherdexpress.com/article-23300-just-a-guy.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And gosh darn it, what another embarrassing couple, three days I had to suffer through last week

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You Talk Like a Sausage http://shepherdexpress.com/article-23215-you-talk-like-a-sausage.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, what with all the racist spew cycling through our national discourse, lo, these days, like crap through a goose, I’m forced to remember a time past where I took a day off so as to think about, perhaps even mull, my vowel-challenged Polish

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You Tell Me That It’s Evolution http://shepherdexpress.com/article-23185-you-tell-me-that-it%25E2%2580%2599s-evolution.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, last Sunday, the Easter, I was called to make one of my rare appearances west of the Milwaukee River, nearly 25 miles or so west of the river, to be sort of exact. I left near-the-lake Downtown where it was a

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Please Lend Me a Hand of Full http://shepherdexpress.com/article-23139-please-lend-me-a-hand-of-full.html

  Dear Friends, Hello to you. I am with sorry news for you with what has happened to me. I am on

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Super Bar, Super Man http://shepherdexpress.com/article-23049-super-bar-super-man.html  I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, definitely feeling a shade of blue this week. I got a call that Mike Cmeyla had died, goddamn it

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Bracketitis Corpus Delecti http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22971-bracketitis-corpus-delecti.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, if NPR’s puzzle master Will Shortz were to call me right this second and ask me what the most-asked three-word question has been over the last six-seven

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Swingin' on a Star http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22856-swingin-on-a-star.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, it being the Lenten season, let us pray, you betcha

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Time Flies Like an Arrow, Fruit Flies Like a Banana http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22837-time-flies-like-an-arrow-fruit-flies-like-a-banana.html  I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And so I wonder what Groucho would say about the blockhead notion to buff St. Patty’s “Day” into

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Best Focumentary Feature http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22721-best-focumentary-feature.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So with the religiously Lenten season coming up like a bad burrito, I’m wrestling with the yearly

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Old Muddle Wiener http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22704-old-muddle-wiener.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And let me tell you’s, the only benefit I get from those Winter Olympics is that every four years I get to ask: “What the fock, ‘Dick Button’? You got to be jerking]]> I Figure Less than Greek http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22645-i-figure-less-than-greek.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So how ’bout this for a headline I saw the other day somewheres: “Water could be flowing on Mars now.” What the fock. The story says “researchers have found clues that water could be flowing in the present, at least during warm seasons

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Over the Weather http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22597-over-the-weather.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So, did you miss me? Yeah, I know, now you’re supposed to say, “What? Miss you? Like, you were gone or something

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On the Rocks http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22479-on-the-rocks.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, during last Friday’s ice storm I discovered that a Sonja Henie I am not. Not only don’t I have the skills, but neither do I

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Below Normal http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22445-below-normal.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And so another holiday season has closed—for most of you’s, but not for me, no sir. As I’ve said many]]> Old Long Sigh http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22421-old-long-sigh.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So I hear it’s that time of year, which means I don’t have time to pony up a regular essay this week ’cause I’ve got my hands full with cranking up the thermostat and mixing another hot focking toddy. I could use two of me, I kid you not

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Another Fistful of Fruitcake http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22347-another-fistful-of-fruitcake.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, I’m on special-reporter assignment to research the whereabouts of the future, so I’m short on the wherewithal to pony up an essay for you’s this week

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A Few of My Favorite Ba-dings! http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22308-a-few-of-my-favorite-ba-dings_.html  I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Cripes, did we get conquered by Canada and nobody told me ’cause this weather’s FOCKING

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The Jiggers and the Clowns http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22226-the-jiggers-and-the-clowns.html  I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, it’s been suggested I slap together the Positive-Cheerful-Vivacious-Enthusiastic Feel-Good-and-Thankful Essay of the Year. I’d like to tell you’s that the loser now will be later to win, that the slow one now will later be fast, and the first one

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What a Wonderful World This Would Be http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22184-what-a-wonderful-world-this-would-be.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, please don’t stop me if you’ve heard this before ’cause it’s the best and brightest thing I can offer under the circumstances, what the fock

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The Best of All Impossible Worlds http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22138-the-best-of-all-impossible-worlds.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And what a choc-packed full-jammed issue you hold in your hands this week, what with the “best this” and “best that,” what the fock.]]> The Men On the Chessboard http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22084-the-men-on-the-chessboard.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, I’ve got me a bad case of deep-dark despair but good what with Aaron Rodgers’ cracked clavicle and the Packer

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Master of the Johnson http://shepherdexpress.com/article-22046-master-of-the-johnson.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, besides the fact that I’m down with this big, bad honking cold that I swear could turn into pneu-focking-monia at the drop of a snotrag, I’m not feeling

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An’ a One, An’ a Two, An’ a… http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21936-an%25E2%2580%2599-a-one-an%25E2%2580%2599-a-two-an%25E2%2580%2599-a%25E2%2580%25A6.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I’m smack-dab stuck in the middle of a family dental emergency over here, so I got myself about fifteen focking minutes to rattle off whatever comes off the top of my head, I kid you no

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My Head All Full of Stuffin’ http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21888-my-head-all-full-of-stuffin%25E2%2580%2599.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, the Milwaukee Film Festival is underway and once again there

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Legend of a Sleepy Holler http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21869-legend-of-a-sleepy-holler.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I live Downtown and I haven’t had a nearly copacetic night’s sleep since late spring on account of all the goddamn seagulls we got down here squawking their asses off morning, noon and night, what the fock

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Have an A1 Day http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21821-have-an-a1-day.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So kemosabes, how ’bout that near-massacre of the football team belonging to our nation’s capital called the “Redskins,” delivered last Sunday by America’s Team, our beloved Green Bay Packers? You betcha

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Your Place or Mime? http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21758-your-place-or-mime.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So, this brouhaha about maybe bombing the bejesus out of the Syrian Arab Republic, I think I heard that of all our so-called allies, focking France is right there with U.S. if we decide to take some action and roll destiny’s dice, god bless America

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Outside the Uprights http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21722-outside-the-uprights.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So another Labor Day has come and gone—a day I spent in celebration of the American workingman by sitting on my ass in some clown’s backyard doing nothing except drink somebody else’s beer, what the fock

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Welcome Dirtbags, Again http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21684-welcome-dirtbags-again.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And for christ sakes, right there in the title to this week’s supposed essay I stepped on the punchline to the introductory joke I chose to whip out in salutations to those afflicted with this motorcycle mania we got going around Our Town anywhere and

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Get Artie http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21656-get-artie.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, here is just one more reason I need a personal assistant to help me with daily chores—female, ’natch, and pronto. Coming out of the bathtub following last Saturday morning’s shower, I lost my balance whilst attempting to dry a wet foot and

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Leaves of Gas http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21611-leaves-of-gas.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, it’s early, early Sunday morning and I abso-focking-lutely could not fall asleep ’cause for the life of me I could not remember if on the old TV series “Hawaii Five-O,” Kam Fong was what’s-his-name, the character Chin Ho, or if Chin Ho

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Today’s Yesterday http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21543-today%25E2%2580%2599s-yesterday.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I know that some of you’s regard me as more than just a run-of-the-focking-mill insightful essayist. You also lean on me as you would, say, a mentor

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Small Market-itis http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21500-small-market-itis.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Hey, I heard our beloved Milwaukee Bucks are really getting the heebie-jeebies ’cause there’s still no concrete plans for a brand-spanking new arena in which for

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Of Public Intercourse http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21444-of-public-intercourse.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, given the hubristic hullabaloo that underscores the pros and cons of Our Town’s current affairs, I plan for this essay to kibosh my ha-ha-bullshit

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We Do Declare http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21410-we-do-declare.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, no essay this week. I got to meet up with my crew up over by the Uptowner tavern/charm

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Still Atop the Canyon http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21376-still-atop-the-canyon.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, the month of June has become a 30-day sentence of remembrance given my last 12 years of

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Father’s No Best http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21274-father%25E2%2580%2599s-no-best.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Well well, another Father’s Day is right around the corner, which as tradition dictates, I must say that

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The Ocean’s Near the Shore http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21241-the-ocean%25E2%2580%2599s-near-the-shore.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, as I would’ve said in last week’s essay before I was rudely interrupted by the end of space, the psychological racket about to be raised by all the]]> Gassed and Spurious http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21158-gassed-and-spurious.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I don’t know how much essay I can pony up for you’s this week. I’m not thinking clearly on account of coming down with some kind of bug

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Pimpin’ My Circumstance http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21128-pimpin%25E2%2580%2599-my-circumstance.html  I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, it’s that time of year again that finds me pounding the pavement trying to get one of these commencement speaker gigs, what the fock.

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The Ol’ Railsippers http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21065-the-ol%25E2%2580%2599-railsippers.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, what with Hillary taking some hard shots in the shorts from do-know-nothing congressional Republicans, I’m wondering if, for the good of the country

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Where’s Art? http://shepherdexpress.com/article-21008-where%25E2%2580%2599s-art.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, first I got to tell you’s that last Saturday, the Shepherd’s “Stein & Dine Beer, Cheese, and Sausage Festival” over by the State Fair’s Wisconsin

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Hit the Showers http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20961-hit-the-showers.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I hear another Earth Day has come and gone for another year. To tell the truth, I didn’t do a lot of celebrating and really don’t expect to in the future

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Mad Man’s Lament http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20886-mad-man%25E2%2580%2599s-lament.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, maybe I’ve been watching too much college basketball on the TV lately, but there’ll be no essay for you’s this week ’cause I’ve decided to suspend]]> ReLentLess http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20820-relentless.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I’ve been pissing away a lot of time lately trying to figure the answer to what you could call a biological question; although, some might consider

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Blustered Racket http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20781-blustered-racket.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, hope you had a safe and uneventful St. focking Patty’s Day-long bender. Yeah, St. Patrick’s Day? It’s more like St. Patrick’s month-and-a-focking-half

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There’s No Business http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20728-there%25E2%2580%2599s-no-business.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, I heard the job rate is on the upswing of late, but for the young people, and me, not so much; so I think it best we commence with a little show business]]> Lion On the Lamb http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20701-lion-on-the-lamb.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, right now I’m all confused with trying to figure out and remember if our month of March this year has come in like a lion or a goddamn lamb, what the]]> Blowing White Smoke http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20601-blowing-white-smoke.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, just got the news that the sixteenth Pope Benedict is hanging up his mighty mitre ’cause at the age of 85, he just doesn’t have the gas to muster and]]> Right Around the Corner http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20555-right-around-the-corner.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I was out and about just the other day and some knob says to me, “Hey Artie, writing those essays must be good therapy, ain’a?” And I was reminded

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Destiny’s Children http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20529-destiny%25E2%2580%2599s-children.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, today’s the day of the week I’m supposed to fork over a block-blustering essay so’s they can get it printed by the deadline, but I just remembered we got

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Golden Glob http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20461-golden-glob.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, to paraphrase the late, great Alex Thien of the old Milwaukee Sentinel, here’s a couple, three newsy bits to kick-start your day with

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Nice Snowing You’s http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20426-nice-snowing-you%25E2%2580%2599s.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So how’s my happy focking New Year going so far? Got to say feeling pretty gosh darn good over here thanks for asking, what with those so-called Vikings

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Deja New http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20433-deja-new.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So, here we be at that time of year for my annual much-ballyhooed Look Back/Watch Out Ahead gala essay, the one where I whip out my crystal balls

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A King-Size Coal Raking http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20350-a-king-size-coal-raking.html

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Cripes, what a focking world, indeed. For starters, I just got off the phone with my buddy Little Jimmy Iodine who graciously informed me that TIME

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The Gift of Gag http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20328-the-gift-of-gag.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, since I’ve heard the world’s supposed to end this Wednesday 12/12/12, I figured it’s high time I see a lawyer and make out some kind]]> Is It Fruitcake Weather? http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20260-is-it-fruitcake-weather.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek, and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, with the holidays heating up big time, I figure that the way I can be of most service to you’s this week is rather than whip out an essay about how the

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Frankenstem vs. the Ass Clones II http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20185-frankenstem-vs-the-ass-clones-ii.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So what the fock, “Best of”? Still haven’t had enough? Listen, since I’m bad-and-plenty under the weather this week, I got your “Best of” right here.]]> I Stand on Guard for Thee http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20139-i-stand-on-guard-for-thee.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, here you read a voice from out of the past. For me with the deadline, it’s Election Day, Tuesday, Nov. 6, and by the time you maybe take a gander at

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A Chicken in Every Garage http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20110-a-chicken-in-every-garage.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And yes sir, happy days are soon to be here once again for me, the first happy day commencing Wednesday, Nov. 7, a day I’d like to believe that I will receive

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The Smashing of Jackass-o’-lanterns http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20070-the-smashing-of-jackass-o%25E2%2580%2599-lanterns.html

 I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, I’ve got this old Rodgers and Hart tune—“Where or When,” the one that says “It seems we stood and talked like this before,” key of E-flat usually...

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I Will Not Be Available http://shepherdexpress.com/article-20017-i-will-not-be-available.html Waiting All Week for Art for Art’s Sake http://shepherdexpress.com/article-19994-waiting-all-week-for-art-for-art%25E2%2580%2599s-sake.html Ed. Note: Two analysts/commentators have been assigned to Mr. Kumbalek’s column this week to provide more comprehensive comprehension through the marvel of instant analysis in hopes of attracting...]]> The Rage of Discovery http://shepherdexpress.com/article-19955-the-rage-of-discovery.html  I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, the other day I was wont to flip the page of my kitchen-wall calendar (Strumpets of the South Seas) ’cause that’s the kind of guy I strive to...

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You Must Be Jerking My Beefaroni http://shepherdexpress.com/article-19919-you-must-be-jerking-my-beefaroni.html

  I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, during the heinous referee debacle that passed into history last Monday night as an official National Football League game...

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Ramble On http://shepherdexpress.com/article-19870-ramble-on.html A Wolf in Veep's Clothing http://shepherdexpress.com/article-19597-a-wolf-in-veeps-clothing.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, I'm here struggling with what to say about a silver-spooned guy from America's Dairyland getting tagged to be the No. 2 on the presidential ticket belonging...]]> A Dark Night Begins http://shepherdexpress.com/article-19418-a-dark-night-begins.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, the heat's got me hog-tied (and not in a good way) and I've had it with whipping out yet another bullshit essay. So I'm off to cool-out over by the Uptowner tavern/charm...]]> Word Crock from the Sun http://shepherdexpress.com/article-19332-word-crock-from-the-sun.html License to Swill http://shepherdexpress.com/article-19063-license-to-swill.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, I don't want to say this heat's getting to me, but yesterday afternoon I found myself wearing nothing but a dinky loincloth whilst speaking some kind of click...]]> The Wishing Well http://shepherdexpress.com/article-18965-the-wishing-well.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, sorry to say I can't dish out a fully blown essay for you's this week, on account of because I've been called away on assignment, what the fock...]]> Jerked Beefaroni http://shepherdexpress.com/article-18939-jerked-beefaroni.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, it's Tuesday, June 5, for me and I just got back from voting the recall and boy-oh is my franchise tired, I tell you...]]> Squeezing the Box http://shepherdexpress.com/article-18785-squeezing-the-box.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, about the job situation here in America's Dairyland, I ought to inform you live-music adventurers out there that the mighty Brewhaus Polka Kings with Artie Kumbalek...]]> Maybe Baby http://shepherdexpress.com/article-18711-maybe-baby.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, I just walked in and boy-oh, are my legs tired. Anyways, about the recent Time Magazine cover and the breast-feeding brouhaha in the modern age, there is this...]]> Big Man on Rumpus http://shepherdexpress.com/article-18650-big-man-on-rumpus.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So, what's to say, from me this terrible Tuesday, May 8. Yeah yeah, I just got back from voting, and boy-oh are my thumb and index finger tired, I kid you not. I don't know if they...]]> Howdy, Neighbor http://shepherdexpress.com/article-18589-howdy-neighbor.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, don't forget to place your vote when you visit the polling ballot place come Tuesday, May 8, 'cause here's one more chance to play pretend-kingmaker and grant the chosen...]]> All Man Brothers http://shepherdexpress.com/article-18496-all-man-brothers.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, just as a matter of public record I ought to mention that this here issue kicks off the end of my gala 25th-anniversary year that I've been wringing these weekly...]]> Everyone Knows It's Windy http://shepherdexpress.com/article-18445-everyone-knows-its-windy.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? Listen, it had been suggested this week I slap together the Positive...]]> Where Blue Birds Fly http://shepherdexpress.com/article-18315-where-blue-birds-fly.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So yeah, as Dorothy said to the wizard, “there's no place like home,” then to awaken in her bed with the company of three itinerant farmhands; I will match the Kansas farm girl...]]> Just Because You Think You're So http://shepherdexpress.com/article-18181-just-because-you-think-youre-so.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, as some of you's know, I've given up work for Lent...]]> Krakowiak, East of Jive Turkey http://shepherdexpress.com/article-18112-krakowiak-east-of-jive-turkey.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? Listen, as Lorena Bobbitt said to husband John some years ago, “We got to cut this short,” so do I got to cut this essay off at the bee's knee, or thereabouts. And I'll tell you why...]]> I Wish Eyes Are Smiling http://shepherdexpress.com/article-18029-i-wish-eyes-are-smiling.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, as a guy of Polish plus who-knows-what-the-fock heritage, you won't catch me blowing my party horn this time of the year, here in the throes of...]]> One Schtup at a Time http://shepherdexpress.com/article-17947-one-schtup-at-a-time.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, here toward the tail end of my gala 25th anniversary year with one newspaper, all I got to say is I can't believe it's the merry month of March already, I kid you not...]]> Allegro con asino http://shepherdexpress.com/article-17895-allegro-con-asino.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, I hope your Lenten season got off to a hell of a lot smoother start than mine own did. I tell you, a week ago Wednesday night it dawned on me: “Hey nitwit, it's been Ash...]]> Theology Whiz http://shepherdexpress.com/article-17801-theology-whiz.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So, here we be at the starting line of another Lenten season, for christ sakes. And me, lapsed Roman Catholic—big-time, ever since years ago the priests forgot their Latin and all of a...]]> Pulling Cupid's Bull http://shepherdexpress.com/article-17664-pulling-cupids-bull.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? Hey, it's damn near Valentine's Day, which to me means only one thing: Presidents' Day is right around the corner. So it's high time for me and the guys to rendezvous pronto...]]> Le Voyage dans la lune http://shepherdexpress.com/article-17603-le-voyage-dans-la-lune.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, I don't have much time to whip out an essay for you's this week on account I got to go meet up with my crew over by the Uptowner tavern/charm school on Hysteric Center...]]> No Dry Zone http://shepherdexpress.com/article-17471-no-dry-zone.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, can't deliver the palaver this week on how the brainwashed Tea Party/Republican uber-faithful constitute a zombie horde hell-bent on devouring truth, justice and the...]]> January Gall http://shepherdexpress.com/article-17399-january-gall.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, crushed I am by the flushing of our Packers season down the turd bowl by a focking bunch of New Yorkers, and some knob says to me, “Hey Artie, writing those essays...]]> Watt a World http://shepherdexpress.com/article-17358-watt-a-world.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, since this new year 2012 so far has been abso-focking-lutely nothing to write home about, I'm putting the kibosh on whipping out an essay for you's this week...]]> And a Happy Huchmus to You http://shepherdexpress.com/article-17314-and-a-happy-huchmus-to-you.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, this newspaper is celebrating its 30th-anniversary year; and me, myself, is toasting his own 25 years of whipping out these essays like a fry cook at your favorite greasy...]]> A Gentleman of Bologna http://shepherdexpress.com/article-17256-a-gentleman-of-bologna.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So how was my merry focking Christmas? No, Santa—fat moralistic fock that he is—did not deliver the bevy of Vegas showgirls I requested; but thanks for asking...]]> Time to Light the Lights http://shepherdexpress.com/article-17028-time-to-light-the-lights.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So let me ask you this: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? For some of us, the answer is: “Depends on what kind of insurance you have.” But for millions and...]]> Guns and Butterball All Around http://shepherdexpress.com/article-16878-guns-and-butterball-all-around.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, I got to tell you's I'm a tad torn about what kind of essay I ought to slap together here, this being the Thanksgiving week. Naturally, I feel like blowing the whole damn thing...]]> For Happily-ever-aftering http://shepherdexpress.com/article-16810-for-happily-ever-aftering.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, I hear Stephen King's got a new book out, 11/22/63, about some guy who goes back in time to stop the President Kennedy assassination. Yeah yeah, Friday, Nov. 22...]]> Hour Relations http://shepherdexpress.com/article-16748-hour-relations.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, another Daylight-Saving Time fall back/extra hour day has come and gone and it's left me feeling a whole bunch down and blue in deep despair, what the fock...]]> America's CarryLand http://shepherdexpress.com/article-16634-americas-carryland.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, now that every Badger Tom, Dick and Dickless jackass clown can pack a piece dang near anywhere he or she cares to as of 12 a.m. last Tuesday, I sure as hell feel...]]> All Hallow Bustin' Loose http://shepherdexpress.com/article-16571-all-hallow-bustin-loose.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, it's been one heck of a couple weeks around the Kumbalek neck of woods, where every day seems to be Halloween, I kid you not...]]> Are You Ready for Some Goof Ball? http://shepherdexpress.com/article-16340-are-you-ready-for-some-goof-ball.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, a quick reminder to you's not to forget to cast your votes in this year's big honking Shepherd Express Best of Milwaukee readers' choice poll with a deadline of Oct. 13...]]> And Little Lambs Eat ID http://shepherdexpress.com/article-16265-and-little-lambs-eat-id.html Your Superhero, Oh Yeah http://shepherdexpress.com/article-16122-your-superhero-oh-yeah.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, as right-wing cracker-jackanape jackboots goose-step toward 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, I've decided it would be more patriotic of me to forgo whipping out...]]> Dick Heads Blow-Up http://shepherdexpress.com/article-15955-dick-heads-blow-up.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, I hear we got another Labor Day coming up, the holiday when we honor the workingman by pissing the day away drinking beer in the backyard or a park somewheres. Yes sir, the last extended weekend...]]> Dog Days Redux http://shepherdexpress.com/article-15852-dog-days-redux.html Nutjob Creator http://shepherdexpress.com/article-15785-nutjob-creator.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? Listen, got to skip the essay and meet up with the fellas to make our Irish Fest plans, so I'm on my way over by the Uptowner tavern/charm school where the guys to be sure are already gathered to dilly-dally the...]]> Fair Warning http://shepherdexpress.com/article-15723-fair-warning.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? Listen, it's come to my attention that my mustard may not be every Tom, Dick and Dickless's cup of tea. Can you believe it? I imagine there are those who would fall to their knees to be praising the Lord...]]> 'Til Debt Do Us Part http://shepherdexpress.com/article-15657-til-debt-do-us-part.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, can't pony up much of a chock-jammed essay for you's this week on account of having to meet the fellas up over by the Uptowner tavern/charm school, so's we can make our plans for getting...]]> How 'bout a Hundred Things Not To Do http://shepherdexpress.com/article-15527-how-bout-a-hundred-things-not-to-do.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? Can't slap together much of an essay for you's this week on account of because I'm expecting the guys at my door any second now in order to haul my sorry ass Up North past by Hayward there for another Valhalla week at my buddy Ernie's brother-in-law's ramshackle cabin/cold-water coop...]]> White With Foam http://shepherdexpress.com/article-15465-white-with-foam.html Flake, Rattle & Roll http://shepherdexpress.com/article-15311-flake-rattle-roll.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So about this hoopla hubbub with Fox News' Chris Wallace asking Michele Bachmann this: “Are you a flake?” You got to be jerking my beefaroni. Let's be fair and balanced. A flake? Focking-A. She's the whole goddamn 20/30-inch...]]> The Fine Print http://shepherdexpress.com/article-15238-the-fine-print.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, turns out I'm a little short on time to whip out a big-time essay on account of the fact that the Pick 'n Save grocery stores launched a Monopoly game hullabaloo with practically $3 million in prizes, and I aim to nab every single dollar...]]> Portrait of the Art as an Old Fart http://shepherdexpress.com/article-15161-portrait-of-the-art-as-an-old-fart.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? And yes, I hear we got Father's Day coming up June 19 and I'll tell you's, with the bad rap fathers have got in the press and on the TV for far too long, I'm surprised the day is celebrated at all. Cripes, why don't they just go ahead and change...]]> The Idiots Are Coming http://shepherdexpress.com/article-15106-the-idiots-are-coming.html Winter's Coming http://shepherdexpress.com/article-15023-winters-coming.html Where's Artie http://shepherdexpress.com/article-14959-wheres-artie.html Shots All Around http://shepherdexpress.com/article-14882-shots-all-around.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? And yes, I may be thinking of throwing up my hat into the ring-ka-ching-ka-ching to be your junior senator from America's Derriere-land. And yes, I may be available to be your institute of some-kind-of learning's commencement...]]> Roll 'em, Lester http://shepherdexpress.com/article-14743-roll-em-lester.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So yeah, great news that Osama bin Hidin' has been recalled. OK, many so-called Americans won't believe it 'til D. Trompe-l'iar forces the reveal of the full death certificate. I happen to believe that O'Sammy is now in a better place, even if that...]]> Rounds at the Night Table http://shepherdexpress.com/article-14666-rounds-at-the-night-table.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, I don't have the time to whip out a regular essay for you's this week. International Workers' Day is right around the corner, and me and the fellas decided we better get together and toast the day before the goddamn Republicans make...]]> Earth Dazed http://shepherdexpress.com/article-14594-earth-dazed.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, I've heard some scuttlebutt of late that our Great White Father west of here in the state Capitol, Gov. Snidely Whiplash, be naysaying the grace of "paid sick leave" for the hardworking...]]> Beached Budget Bingo http://shepherdexpress.com/article-14509-beached-budget-bingo.html Intelligence Shutdown http://shepherdexpress.com/article-14421-intelligence-shutdown.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So let me make one thing perfectly clear, I was thrilled to hear that the Richard Nixon Presidential Library and Museum has opened a Watergate Gallery, you betcha. Seems though that the...]]> Qadaffy Duck http://shepherdexpress.com/article-14343-qadaffy-duck.html Listen, before I launch into the regular part of my essay, my heart goes out to those of you's who, like me, in the hopes of winning a buck two-eighty have pissed away valuable company time whilst dicking around on the job with those NCAA basketball brackets for the winners of this year's flabbergastingly]]> Hand It Over http://shepherdexpress.com/article-14205-hand-it-over.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? Yeah yeah, the March madness with another St. focking Patty's Day to drive each and every mature drinkingman from his favorite bar stool for the duration of Thursday, March 17, to be replaced by a teeming horde of youthful O'Knobshines...]]> St. Artie's Day http://shepherdexpress.com/article-14132-st-arties-day.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So here we go again, that I tell you's I seriously considered that the enjoyment of our weekly intercourse would be interrupted until after Easter on account of me giving up writing my usual essay for the Lenten season, boo-hoo...]]> Something Sphinx Around Here http://shepherdexpress.com/article-13917-something-sphinx-around-here.html No Dutch Treat http://shepherdexpress.com/article-13842-no-dutch-treat.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen: GO PACK, GO! You betcha. Yes, I know that there were some knobshines around here who were fed up with all the “hype” and “over-coverage” about our Green and Gold good guys’ quest to bring the Lombardi Trophy back...]]> Year of the Jackass http://shepherdexpress.com/article-13602-year-of-the-jackass.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, no hard-provoking, thought-throbbing essay on the schmutz of our times this week, no sir. I am otherwise occupied if not...]]> Focked and Loaded http://shepherdexpress.com/article-13553-focked-and-loaded.html Happy Huchmus http://shepherdexpress.com/article-13444-happy-huchmus.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, as I prepare my annual award-winning “Year-in-Review, Year Ahead” essay for next week’s paper, two words keep ringing a bell in my head from this 2010: failure and disappointment, oy vey...]]> The Bipolar Express http://shepherdexpress.com/article-13275-the-bipolar-express.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, how ’bout that price for electricity these dark days jacked up to where a guy’s going to have to take out a loan every month when he gets his bill handed to him, what the fock. Problem is, we can complain all we want, but it might be wise to recall...]]> Flocked But Good http://shepherdexpress.com/article-13219-flocked-but-good.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, got to tell you’s that I am not physically and/or mentally up to stuffing this page with a fully blown chock-jammed essay this week. No sir, I’m just too dang worn out to whip it out, I kid you not. Here’s the deal: Because I’ve been...]]> Is That a Gun in Your Pocket… ? http://shepherdexpress.com/article-13129-is-that-a-gun-in-your-pockethellip-.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Stop me if you’ve heard this, but it’s that time of year when your neighborly folks on the TV local news begin to dish out handy tips on how to handle the...]]> Who Needs More Stuffing? http://shepherdexpress.com/article-13131-who-needs-more-stuffing.html Loco Motive http://shepherdexpress.com/article-12910-loco-motive.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, once again I can’t whip out a big-time essay for you’s this week. I’m on my way right now to meet up with my gang over by the Uptowner tavern/charm school situated at the Hysteric Corner of Center Street & Humboldt. It just so...]]> Star-Spangled Banger http://shepherdexpress.com/article-12870-star-spangled-banger.html Trick-or-Trick http://shepherdexpress.com/article-12759-trick-or-trick.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, way too busy here to pump out an essay for you’s. With trick-or-treat for the kids this weekend, I got a boatload of potatoes to peel for the mashed potatoes and gravy I like to pass out when they come knocking...]]> Tomorrow Always Knows http://shepherdexpress.com/article-12669-tomorrow-always-knows.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And how ’bout this chock-packed jam-full “Best of Milwaukee” issue? With so much to look over in these pages, I thought I’d give you a break and lighten up on the blackhole density and longitude of my essay for you this week ’cause there’s only so many hours in a day, what the fock...]]> The Social Nutwork http://shepherdexpress.com/article-12455-the-social-nutwork.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, too busy to whip out an essay for you’s this week. I’m on my way now to meet up with my gang over by the Uptowner tavern/charm school situated at the Hysteric Corner of Center Street & Humboldt...]]> Lord of the Three-Ring http://shepherdexpress.com/article-12396-lord-of-the-three-ring.html Now Pitching for Milwaukee http://shepherdexpress.com/article-12320-now-pitching-for-milwaukee.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And here’s something newsworthy, or at least unusual: I might be feeling nearly pretty good today. I just had a ride on one of those spanking-new county buses some of you’s may have noticed here and there ’round the town...]]> Fall for Me http://shepherdexpress.com/article-12160-fall-for-me.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So here we are, September, what the fock. I’ve been trying to cool my heels for this month since April, and now finally I hear my favorite season coming up the stairs to knock on my door, I kid you not.]]> Never Never Land http://shepherdexpress.com/article-12093-never-never-land.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I hear we got another Labor Day coming up, the holiday when we honor the workingman by pissing the day away drinking beer in the back yard or a park somewheres. How ’bout instead we pay tribute by working twice as hard and twice...]]> Another Topical Depression http://shepherdexpress.com/article-12003-another-topical-depression.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, sorry to have to tell you it’s that time of that week of the year when I have to interrupt what should’ve been a thought-invoking if not nearly entertaining essay to speak directly to you and deliver the pitch...]]> Blarney Stoned http://shepherdexpress.com/article-11935-blarney-stoned.html ‘Sinkhole de My-Oh’ http://shepherdexpress.com/article-11868-lssinkhole-de-my-ohrs.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I don’t want to say we’ve had a tad way too much of the humidity ’round our neck of the woods day after day after day, but I got out of the shower just this morning to then gaze into the bathroom mirror and check my scalp for new...]]> Holistically Sunk http://shepherdexpress.com/article-11720-holistically-sunk.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, not much of an essay on the platter from me to you’s this week seeing as how it’s 10 minutes to deadline and I just now got back into town from being out of town, and by out of town I’m talking some 30-odd miles north of Hayward way up northwest there where me, Little Jimmy Iodine...]]> Hey Kids, Don’t Forget Camp Kumbalek http://shepherdexpress.com/article-11583-hey-kids-donrst-forget-camp-kumbalek.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Hey, nothing but good news here for you’s moms and pops with extra dough who wonder where the heck to stick your out-of-control katzenjammers for a while this summertime. Pay attention, your sanity may depend on it. There’s still a...]]> Oui-oui en le Boulevard http://shepherdexpress.com/article-11515-oui-oui-en-le-boulevard.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So, I’m near delirious about this Bangkokian heat and humidity this time we have in the Upper Midwest, about having had and having not, about the words of Harry Morgan—“One man alone ain’t got… no chance”—who got shot to the...]]> Of Mice and Alderman II http://shepherdexpress.com/article-11450-of-mice-and-alderman-ii.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Me, drizzled veteran of political wars waged ’round our vicinity, having mounted nearly several half-assed campaigns for all kind of elective offices over the years—senator, county sheriff, president, governor, mayor, commissioner of baseball, Tahitian overlord. I’m James Dean...]]> Spit ’n Polish http://shepherdexpress.com/article-11274-spit-rsn-polish.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, don’t have much to offer you’s this week in way of an essay, sorry to say. I’m pressed for time and I got to take off...]]> Of Days Gone By http://shepherdexpress.com/article-11209-of-days-gone-by.html Die Together, Live Alone http://shepherdexpress.com/article-11058-die-together-live-alone.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, sorry to say that I can’t exactly pony up a fully blown chock-packed jam-full essay for you’s this week on account that for starters, this recent spate of hot weather has me depressed, doleful and debilitated. For crying out loud...]]> Throbbin’ Wood http://shepherdexpress.com/article-10972-throbbinrs-wood.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, here’s a little story my buddy Little Jimmy Iodine told me the other day that I think even the kids might enjoy: Pinocchio’s girlfriend says to him, “This sucks. Every time we make love I get splinters.”]]> White Heat: Top of the World, Ma! http://shepherdexpress.com/article-10807-white-heat-top-of-the-world-ma_.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, all the hubbub and hullabaloo down yonder recently in Arizona (state nickname “Apache State”) reminds me of a quote from the Union Civil War general, an Irish guy by the name of Philip Sheridan: “If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent Texas...]]> From Uranus They Come http://shepherdexpress.com/article-10747-from-uranus-they-come.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, it’s been an alarming couple three days for me, what the fock. To wit: Last Sunday, I took an early afternoon ride on the No. 30 downtown to the Grandly Store-Closed mall where I planned to kick the tires on a factory-new pair of midnight-black all-cotton Gold Toe men’s socks over by the Boston Store...]]> She’s Gonna Blow http://shepherdexpress.com/article-10644-sherss-gonna-blow.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I can’t whip out an essay for you’s this week on account that my buddy Little Jimmy Iodine has another birthday in a day or two; so’s rather than tell you for the umpteenth time about how the Republicans and their whitewashed Tea Party...]]> A Perdition Like No Other http://shepherdexpress.com/article-10564-a-perdition-like-no-other.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So yeah, the current crop of Pulitzer Prizes got passed around the other day and wouldn’t you know, once again yours truly stands empty-handed, me oh my oh. But let me tell you’s, I never got into this racket, lo those many years ago, to be rich and famous...]]> Focked and Loaded http://shepherdexpress.com/article-10346-focked-and-loaded.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So, Sarah Palin. Yeah, I’d cross party lines and bang her, bang her but good. To me, she is to Mamie Eisenhower what...]]> To Health With You http://shepherdexpress.com/article-10290-to-health-with-you.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So here we are, smack-dab in the first week of spring, that very special time of year when a young man’s fancy turns to getting his rocks off with whomever, whenever, wherever, as often as possible. And god bless the heartily...]]> Welcome, Losers http://shepherdexpress.com/article-10201-welcome-losers.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So yeah, damn it, it’s happened again. I’m talking about that bullshit Daylight Saving Time, and I’m not...]]> Makes No Census http://shepherdexpress.com/article-10111-makes-no-census.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, it occurred to me the other day that if I want to serve America’s Dairyland as its next governor or U.S. senator, or both what the fock, I better get my ass in gear, I kid you not. When it comes to the notion of civically representing our downtrodden hordes of people not to mention a bigwig or two, I’m a big-picture kind of guy and...]]> Triply Looped Klutz http://shepherdexpress.com/article-10056-triply-looped-klutz.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So I hear another Winter Olympics has come and gone and all I got to say is that if they don’t add competitive ice fishing for the next Games, forget about it. They could stand to add an extra event or two ’cause, cripes, it seemed every time I thought to tune in, it was the goddamn curling they were showing, what the fock...]]> Don’t Tell Me What I Can’t Do http://shepherdexpress.com/article-9990-donrst-tell-me-what-i-canrst-do.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, hate to say that I’m not up to whipping out a fully blown essay for you’s this week. I’m still recovering from the annual Presidents’ Day costume gala me and the fellas had over by the Uptowner tavern/charm school. The presidential scavenger hunt...]]> Pinhead Wizard http://shepherdexpress.com/article-9813-pinhead-wizard.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Yeah yeah, so another Super Bowl Super-Duper Sunday has come and gone, and I’m figuring that for fans of the Colts and for those who tune in to spectate all the “great” TV commercials, last Sunday fell far short of the super-est of Sabbaths. What the hell was that council on family focus-pocus commercial that...]]> Gutter Balls a-Bowling http://shepherdexpress.com/article-9744-gutter-balls-a-bowling.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, for those of you’s wondering if I’m feeling any better than I did last week when I was bitching and moaning about being under the weather, the answer is fock if I know. What I do know is that the amount of snot expectorating out of my head lately would be enough to feed a small fourthworld...]]> Plutocracy, Our New Planet http://shepherdexpress.com/article-9657-plutocracy-our-new-planet.html No-Win Salvation http://shepherdexpress.com/article-9571-no-win-salvation.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, during troubled economic times such as right here, right now, I know there’s a boatload of American citizens who desperately need whatever assistance our beleaguered states and federal US-focking-A government can pony up. (Tea partiers, be damned. How ’bout you go spend a couple, three years down... ]]> Deja View http://shepherdexpress.com/article-9496-deja-view.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, you remember just the other week right here on this page, my forecast for the year 2010: “Will suck…”? Yeah yeah, I thought you would. And jeez louise I tell you, even though it’s still early, based on personal evidence I’d have to say I’m batting 1,010% with...]]> Hah! Bumhug! http://shepherdexpress.com/article-9233-hah_-bumhug_.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I choose not to belabor the craft of a finely honed essay for you’s this week ’cause I’m guessing you’re just too damn busy to read anything important I got to tell you this time of year aren’t you, what with your holiday this and your holiday that...]]> Tiger Buy the Tail http://shepherdexpress.com/article-9137-tiger-buy-the-tail.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I got one big honking quandary on my hands these days, I kid you not. As the people’s perennial political candidate for whatever office needs filling, I don’t know if I ought to throw up my hat into the ring for Badgerland governor, mayor of Beertown, or maybe county executive and/or sheriff. All of these gravy trains...]]> So This Guy Goes to a Doctor http://shepherdexpress.com/article-9056-so-this-guy-goes-to-a-doctor.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So what the fock, Tiger Woods is in the company of a New York City nightclub hostess, some knob from the peanut gallery shouts, “In the hole!” Mr. Woods, clutch linksman that he is, complies; so then later the Mrs. Woods grabs the post... ]]> More Guns and Butterballs http://shepherdexpress.com/article-8959-more-guns-and-butterballs.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, no essay this week from me for your freeloading Thanksgiving-holiday needs, no sir. I don’t have time to self-importantly gasbag some kind of treacly tripe about what we all have to be thankful for, what the fock...]]> Call It Doomsday, But Tuesday’s Just as Bad http://shepherdexpress.com/article-8889-call-it-doomsday-but-tuesdayrss-just-as-bad.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So here we go, a reoccurring dream, that it’s a Tuesday morning and I’m feeling like I got hit by a train sometime during the night, which causes me to believe that I may not have enough smoke up my ass to blow out a fully... ]]> Bestiality A Plus http://shepherdexpress.com/article-8677-bestiality-a-plus.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And what a chock-packed full-jammed issue this week, what with the “best this” and “best that,” I tell you. And I’d just like to say to any of you’s out there who actually had the cotton-focking... ]]> Hallow Can You Go http://shepherdexpress.com/article-8522-hallow-can-you-go.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world,ain’a? So listen, hard to believe Hallo-focking-ween has come back up, up like a tainted fish fry from St. Sal Monella’s—fare fit for a firstclass ride on the porcelain bus...]]> Saloonatics http://shepherdexpress.com/article-8406-saloonatics.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, the Packers don’t look too good, our gridiron Badgers can’t hold a lead, and about twice a day I’m nearly run over whilst legally traversing a crosswalk in downtown Milwaukee by some one-handed shiny-car motorist numb-nut or numb-twat who’s too busy to pay attention...]]> Pop My Top http://shepherdexpress.com/article-8348-pop-my-top.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I got to tell you’s I’m a little under the crappy weather on account of the annual Columbus Day get-together me and the fellas had the other day over by the Uptowner tavern/ charm school where we toasted repeatedly the significance of discovery until we discovered we were clean...]]> Please Remain in Line http://shepherdexpress.com/article-8260-please-remain-in-line.html And Your Bird Can Fling http://shepherdexpress.com/article-8175-and-your-bird-can-fling.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I hear there’s been a load of scuttlebutt all over, under, sideways and down America’s Dairyland lately]]> A Czar is Born http://shepherdexpress.com/article-8086-a-czar-is-born.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, the AM talk-radio gasbags I hear say that our current presidential administration is passing out czardoms like condoms at a college frat party. Apparently, these air-waved Brownshirt bozos think this not to be a good thing...]]> Next Stop: Moronistan http://shepherdexpress.com/article-8006-next-stop-moronistan.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, that douche-bag South Carofocking-lina Republican’s response to the president’s address to Congress the other day reminded me of the time Snow White got thrown out of Disney World ’cause she got caught... ]]> Another Nine Months In the Hole http://shepherdexpress.com/article-7911-another-nine-months-in-the-hole.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, to these school districts whose goose-step supervisors decided not to allow their student rabble to hear our American president’s back-to-school speech, I have but one question: What the fock? ]]> Greetings from Hayward http://shepherdexpress.com/article-7832-greetings-from-hayward.html Injurious Basturd http://shepherdexpress.com/article-7755-injurious-basturd.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, oh yeah, such no time for me to whip out an essay for you’s about why Green Bay Packer fans ought to show up at Lambeau Field on Sunday, Nov. 1, with unconcealed bazookas strapped to their fat-ass Cheesehead Dairyland hip.]]> Got a Plug Needs Pulling http://shepherdexpress.com/article-7689-got-a-plug-needs-pulling.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, speaking of this so-called Death Panel our new Nazi health insurance policy is supposed to have, I’m thinking maybe that’s not such a bad idea, provided I get to be the panel’s head honcho ’cause I’ll tell you I got a list, oh boy do I...]]> We Are Golden http://shepherdexpress.com/article-7612-we-are-golden.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, what with the Irish Fest down by the lakefront ’tis this weekend, I thought it a nice thing to share a little story with you’s afflicted with affection for “Ye Ole Sot,” and it goes something like this:]]> I’m Buying http://shepherdexpress.com/article-7528-irsm-buying.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, here we are at the crack of August, harbinger of a dwindling summertime, and I realize that most of you’s need to cram the seasonal-festive up your agenda fast and often now before the shine turns to frost... ]]> What Happened? http://shepherdexpress.com/article-7456-what-happened.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Yes, Art Kumbalek, ancient overboard mariner, here to navigate the coordinates of this mid-2009 sea of Celebrity Death and Anniversary Remembrance for your peace of mind. And now newsman-sailing enthusiast Walter Cronkite...]]> One Giant Heap of Mankind http://shepherdexpress.com/article-7270-one-giant-heap-of-mankind.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man ohmanischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, just so you’s know, I’m a big-time fan of professional prize-fighting, the sweet science, otherwise known as boxing for you’s dunderheads. And so it came to me as complete shock, surprise, chagrin that my favorite...]]> A Run of Bull http://shepherdexpress.com/article-7198-a-run-of-bull.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Yeah, Art Kumbalek, essayist, philosopher, penman opinist, blathering log man, people’s poet, private dick, apostate, custodian, inkslinging hack, researcher, latitudinarist, sappy sentimentalist, lexi-focking-cographer...]]> 80-Proof Through the Night http://shepherdexpress.com/article-7107-80-proof-through-the-night.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So OK, some of you’s may have detected that my usual heady froth of spewed steam was nowhere vented in last week’s gazette. So cry me a river, like a guy can’t get tied up with more important matters once in awhile than...]]> Greetings from Hayward http://shepherdexpress.com/article-7006-greetings-from-hayward.html Gone Fishing.]]> Cream City Prick http://shepherdexpress.com/article-6914-cream-city-prick.html I’m Art Kumbalek and manoh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, here we are all right already rounding the corner of a middle of the June and each day that passes not only is one less to endure the noisy summertime, but also one less for the possibility of an embarrassing vacation...]]> That Distant Bell http://shepherdexpress.com/article-6852-that-distant-bell.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, if you wonder whether or not I might be a tad put off by the fact that our president chose someone other than me to fill up his first U.S. Supreme Court vacancy; wonder no more. I am disgruntled, and here’s why. ]]> 50 Bucks and a Case of Ice-Cold Bottled Beer http://shepherdexpress.com/article-6781-50-bucks-and-a-case-of-ice-cold-bottled-beer.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, sorry to say that I am not able to whip, nor pump, out a heavy-dutifully thought-invoking essay for you’s this week on account that I be otherwise occupied with slapping together what I would intend to be my Gala... ]]> I Hear a New World http://shepherdexpress.com/article-6688-i-hear-a-new-world.html I‘m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I’d like to express gratitude for the kind words that appeared on this page last week, words meant not only to explain my absence on account of being in the thralls of a death’s-door experience, but also to assuage...]]> Intestinal Craptitude http://shepherdexpress.com/article-6611-intestinal-craptitude.html Editor’s Note: Well, he’s done it again. By now, we’re all used to Mr. Kumbalek phoning it in whilst writing his essay, but this week he’s literally phoned in to say he can’t even write a phoned-in essay for his few-and-dwindling readers. Much like death and taxes, only far more of a pain...]]> Jim, Beam Me Up http://shepherdexpress.com/article-6544-jim-beam-me-up.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So what the fock, the other day I suddenly realized we got an election for governor of America’s Dairyland right around the corner in a yearand-a-half come the November of 2010, which means I got a heap of pipe to lay from now...]]> The Importance of Being http://shepherdexpress.com/article-6455-the-importance-of-being.html Or Are You Just Glad to See Me http://shepherdexpress.com/article-6365-or-are-you-just-glad-to-see-me.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, as the poet from out of St. Louis, Eliot what’s-his-name, once said, “April is the cruellest month.” To which I say: No shit, Sherlock. Best for me is to lay low this time of year, so I called the office and told them I wouldn’t be coming in to whip out an...]]> Down the Rabid-Hole http://shepherdexpress.com/article-6294-down-the-rabid-hole.html How Much Stock Would a Woodstock Sock? http://shepherdexpress.com/article-6220-how-much-stock-would-a-woodstock-sock.html High School Musical 3: Senior Year is now available On Demand, courtesy of your pay-perview cable TV beneficence, so sue me.]]> The Night Lingers For Us http://shepherdexpress.com/article-6129-the-night-lingers-for-us.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I can’t believe it’s the Eastertime already. Ordinarily I’d be slapping on the final sheen of shellac to this week’s essay right about now, but alack, I practically damn near forgot I’m past due to meet up with my apostles over by the Uptowner tavern...]]> Greetings from Hayward http://shepherdexpress.com/article-6051-greetings-from-hayward.html Toxic Ass Sits http://shepherdexpress.com/article-5969-toxic-ass-sits.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, this old-school tune is gosh darn stuck in my head as I walk this land with broken dreams while I have visions of many things—like money’s happiness is just illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. And I wonder, what becomes of those...]]> Bracket Bluster http://shepherdexpress.com/article-5892-bracket-bluster.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And let’s just hold on a cotton-focking-picking minute here, shall we? Listen, it’s that time of year where I’ve got to signal for a time-out, and take a breather—it being the Lenten season after all, during which I have yet to decide on a personal sacrifice I...]]> Green and Groaning http://shepherdexpress.com/article-5806-green-and-groaning.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I’ve got no available time to flip toward my essay malarkey this week, and you can thank last weekend’s daylight-savingtime blarney for that, what the fock. Sixty minutes, gone poof!—never to return, like a guy’s retirement “portfoolio" entrusted...]]> Cold-Clocked http://shepherdexpress.com/article-5719-cold-clocked.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, for this week’s essay I figured I’d do a little research, make a couple, three phone calls and etcetera, so as to figure out why the AM-radio Rush Limbaugh character hasn’t been arrested for high treason yet, what the fock. Cripes all-mighty, this guy...]]> Hail to the Grief http://shepherdexpress.com/article-5649-hail-to-the-grief.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man ohmanischewitz what a world, ain’a? So what the fock, another Presidents’ Day has come and gone and yet I am agog with wonder about just where the time goes. It seems that just the other day I couldn’t figure out how the Packers weren’t able to hold a lead with two minutes left in the game...]]> Greetings from Hayward http://shepherdexpress.com/article-5555-greetings-from-hayward.html Stimulate This http://shepherdexpress.com/article-5477-stimulate-this.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I’ll be needing to beg your pardon this week on account of my time has lately been used all up with the minute-to-minute vocal launching of apoplectic F-bombs to be bursting in air that surrounds any and all of our congressional Republicans who...]]> Oh Dear http://shepherdexpress.com/article-5403-oh-dear.html Year of the Ox & Morons http://shepherdexpress.com/article-5332-year-of-the-ox-morons.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I’m a bit blue this week what with hearing the news that the guy inside the robot suit on TV’s gritty ground-breaking series from the ’60s, “Lost In Space,” has lost his power pack for good, no changes. Yes, Bob May has expired so as to join...]]> Pomaika`i! http://shepherdexpress.com/article-5256-pomaika%2560i_.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, right now I’m paying some attention to the presidential inauguration hoopla on TV ’cause it’s my duty as a responsible journalist to know what’s up at all times, and besides what else is there to watch? There are no basketball games going on... ]]> Kumbalek/Nixon http://shepherdexpress.com/article-5173-kumbalek_nixon.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I was watching that Golden Globes show on TV the other night that was passing out awards for all the movies and TV shows I haven’t seen. But what I was hoping to see were a stacked starlet or two in slinky dresses cut to South of the Border... ]]> All In http://shepherdexpress.com/article-5089-all-in.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So like I ballyhooed last week, for those of you’s who bothered to pay attention, this week would be my annual Look Back/Watch Out Ahead gala essay again, this one for 2008/2009. Remember? Hard for me to believe it’s been a year already since I trotted... ]]> Ice Fishing http://shepherdexpress.com/article-4971-ice-fishing.html ]]> Toasted Nuts http://shepherdexpress.com/article-4894-toasted-nuts.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I know the hub-and-bub of the holiday season is always a big deal this time of year for the people. But for a guy like me, hey, everyday is just another focking holiday, each and every day of the year. Oh yeah, nothing but seashells, balloons...]]> Cabinet Boy http://shepherdexpress.com/article-4807-cabinet-boy.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I’m feeling a tad bit too distracted to pony up a bigtime essay for you’s this week on account of because I’m expecting the phone to be ringing any time soon with the Obama people on the line to offer me some kind of top-cat gig with the... ]]> Is That Cadenza Half-Off? http://shepherdexpress.com/article-4731-is-that-cadenza-half-off.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, for the second consecutive week I’ve got to warn you’s that there’ll be no essay from me on account I just realized I’m scheduled to go to the doctor’s for my sort-of yearly check-up to make sure the cancer hasn’t come back a’ singing my name. Focking swell. ]]> How ’bout Some Stuffing, Ladies First? http://shepherdexpress.com/article-4639-how-rsbout-some-stuffing-ladies-first.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I’ve got bigger fish to fry not to mention turkeys I’d like to behead than to pony up a regular jam-chocked essay for you’s this week, I kid you not. Besides, it’s been my experience that regular readers aren’t up to navigating my little section of this here back page this time of year anyways on account of either being struck down by the dropsies from the too-much holiday feasting or they’re busy navigating their way out of county jail due to the aggravated battery charge acquired right before the pumpkin pie was served at the extended-family Thanksgiving get-together. Yeah, I know, sometimes the in-laws really do deserve what’s coming to them, civil ordinance be damned, what the fock.]]> Greetings from Hayward http://shepherdexpress.com/article-4562-greetings-from-hayward.html Quantum of B.S. http://shepherdexpress.com/article-4471-quantum-of-bs.html Art the President http://shepherdexpress.com/article-4387-art-the-president.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And so, my fellow Americans (you know who you are), let me tell you that it’s been a gosh darn long and twisted road that The Art Kumbalek Democracy Express for 2008 has traveled, lo, these past 22 years, and I would like to take this opportunity...]]> A Troubled Man for Troubled Times http://shepherdexpress.com/article-4312-a-troubled-man-for-troubled-times.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, this here is the final think-piece of essay I can whip out in which maybe I can convince some of you’s undecided voters to swing my way and punt The Art Kumbalek Democracy Express 2008 all the way to the White House come Election Day... ]]> Josephine the Plumber http://shepherdexpress.com/article-4220-josephine-the-plumber.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And what an in-focking-credible time of year this is, I kid you not, especially if you’re a baseball fan. I don’t know about you’s, but I find it mighty comforting to know that the World Series and a female bear on birth control still have one thing in common—no Cubs. ]]> Grand Old Horse Manure http://shepherdexpress.com/article-4134-grand-old-horse-manure.html I’m Art Kumbalek and manoh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, hard to believe there’s only a couple of hands-full of days finally left before we all got to go choose the next commander-in-chief who won’t be from Texas or Arkansas. Where does the time go? Seems like only yesterday plus a hundred years that...]]> Bail, Baby, Bail http://shepherdexpress.com/article-4021-bail-baby-bail.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, as a folksy candidate for the presidency of the United States without a pot to pee in, I figured the best thing I could do right now, right here, is to skip writing a weekly essay and rather meet up with my campaign brain trust...]]> Master Debate http://shepherdexpress.com/article-3929-master-debate.html Guy and Doll http://shepherdexpress.com/article-3830-guy-and-doll.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I’ve got a pretty big honking announcement to make in regard to the late-surging Art Kumbalek Democracy Express 2008 For Any and All Political Office. As Sky Masterson noted in the classic musical Guys and Dolls: "I am not putting the knock... ]]> Lipstick Luau http://shepherdexpress.com/article-3718-lipstick-luau.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, if you read the political pages these days, seems that put ting lipstick on pigs is all the rage.]]> What the Puck? http://shepherdexpress.com/article-3627-what-the-puck.html Back to Schoolin’ http://shepherdexpress.com/article-3531-back-to-schoolinrs.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, as the tailpipe exhaust yet dissipates into the declining atmosphere of another every-half-a-decade post- Harley HOG fest, I’m behooved to banter that I inhabit the downtown city of Milwaukee by choice. When you live here constantly... ]]> Welcome Dirtbags II, III? http://shepherdexpress.com/article-3434-welcome-dirtbags-ii-iii.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I hear we’ve got the big Harley-Davidson 105th anniversary shebang in Our Town over the next few days. And “hear” might not be the correct word, since I believe it was during the previous jubilee of a jamboree these motor psychos had that I came down with some kind of hearing impediment due to the bombasting bellow of machines that never met a tailpipe that piped, what the fock. ]]> Hey, hey, hey…hey, hey, hey http://shepherdexpress.com/article-3357-hey-hey-heyhelliphey-hey-hey.html And then if you figure the 40 years from '68 'til now, wonders never cease, don't they; although I'm not too keen on having to pay money for good TV. Sucks. Then, a knock at my door. "Artie, I got the stuff," the voice from the other side said. The stuff. It was my buddy Ernie. "Give me a second," I said. I grabbed a Kleenex and blotted the pool of drool that had collected on my shirt collar...]]> Until the Room Starts to Spin http://shepherdexpress.com/article-3277-until-the-room-starts-to-spin.html They Shoot Lawn Mowers, Don’t They? http://shepherdexpress.com/article-3195-they-shoot-lawn-mowers-donrst-they.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, right now for me it’s late Tuesday after noon, Aug. 5. Brett Favre. The powers-that-be at this newspaper demanded that I cut short my holiday hiatus up there nearby 30-miles north of Hayward (Town of Barnes for you’s nit pickers)...]]> Greetings from Hayward http://shepherdexpress.com/article-3111-greetings-from-hayward.html Greetings from Hayward]]> Ein Half-Baked Haus http://shepherdexpress.com/article-3011-ein-half-baked-haus.html So this food-expert is addressing a large audience at a dietitian conference: “The materi al we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. ]]> A Reach Around http://shepherdexpress.com/article-2919-a-reach-around.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I can’t pony up a regular essay for you’s this week on account of two words: Brett focking Favre. As a candidate for the presidency of the United States, it has suddenly occurred to me that this beloved confederate cracker from the Magnolia State...]]> Wee-Wee http://shepherdexpress.com/article-2836-wee-wee.html I’m Art Kumbalek andman oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, another Summerfest has come and gone, but right on its heels we’ve got the Bastille Days shebang Downtown this weekend—the Drink Beer on the Street and Oui-Oui in Le Boulevard fest, which begs the question: How do you get a French waiter’s attention? ]]> Bombasting the Air http://shepherdexpress.com/article-2762-bombasting-the-air.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I don’t have the time to pony up a big honking essay for you’s this week, and I’ll tell you why. What with the party political conventions right around the corner, I got to take some time to ponder whether or not I would consider the No. 2 spot... ]]> Jooney Tune http://shepherdexpress.com/article-2659-jooney-tune.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? I don’t know what it is about this time of year, but it seems every time I turn around these days it’s that time of year again. Getting old bites the big one, big-time.]]> June Bugged http://shepherdexpress.com/article-2580-june-bugged.html Matrimonial Monsoon II http://shepherdexpress.com/article-2496-matrimonial-monsoon-ii.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So I got a call the other night from my buddy Little Jimmy Iodine to remind me that we got a 40-year highschool class reunion later this summer that we got to find a way to shirk. To be 17 in June of 1968 with a passion for who the next president could be...]]> Mr. Big http://shepherdexpress.com/article-2386-mr-big.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So it just occurred to me that it’s already the first week of June and I have yet to field one single request to be the Big Man On Campus as your graduation-commencing-keynote speaker, what the fock. ]]> Lick This http://shepherdexpress.com/article-2299-lick-this.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And speaking of politics, I remember it was 40 years ago this time of year that as a young man I had precociously packed up the horn I played on the Eugene McCarthy presidential bandwagon ’cause Bobby Kennedy was now my guy but good.]]> I Believe http://shepherdexpress.com/article-2223-i-believe.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, sorry to say I can’t cough up a regular essay for you’s this week on account of the fact I got a personal platter laden with poo that needs to be flushed pronto before I even could begin to journalistically think about advice you need to...]]> Is That a Key in Your Pocket? http://shepherdexpress.com/article-2134-is-that-a-key-in-your-pocket.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I would’ve whipped out an essay for you’s this week except I’ve been called away on a mission. And that mission is to “go find the key.” I have not a focking clue as to where this key may be nor what this key may unlock. My guess is that this key may finally be the one that unlocks the door to global peace, prosperity and brotherhood for one and all. Since I’m no locksmith, I figure it’s got to be easier to find such a key than make one, so what the fock. ]]> Better Living Through Chemistry http://shepherdexpress.com/article-2058-better-living-through-chemistry.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I really ought to take a moment and thank those of you’s who ought to be thanked for your support thus far vis-a-vis The Art Kumbalek Democracy Express 2008 For Any and All Political Office. ]]> Greetings from Hayward http://shepherdexpress.com/article-1954-greetings-from-hayward.html Gone fishing. ]]> Tightie Whities http://shepherdexpress.com/article-1865-tightie-whities.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I got a situation here. I’m all fermished on account that somehow I’ve misplaced my gosh darn flag pin. ]]> Never and Always http://shepherdexpress.com/article-1721-never-and-always.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And I don’t know about you, but I’m having one heck of a hard time believing it’s already the fourth month of this new year. Cripes, here I am still in negotiations with the aftereffects of the hangover I came down with the first of January and apparently...]]> Assuming the Position http://shepherdexpress.com/article-1615-assuming-the-position.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So I got to tell you, what with all the college basketball on TV lately that I had to watch along with the first pitch or two of another Major League Baseball season plus figuring my taxes, I haven’t had a whole heck of a lot of time to pay attention...]]> Brew-haha http://shepherdexpress.com/article-1502-brew-haha.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, right now in real time it’s Tuesday, April 1, for me. So I got to tell you that I just flew back in from voting and boy-oh is my franchise tired, you bet, I kid you not.]]> Planet Peckerwood http://shepherdexpress.com/article-1396-planet-peckerwood.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I really ought to declare one of those socalled disclosures that politicians make when they get the sense that the shinola is indeed turning to shit.]]> Slam Dink http://shepherdexpress.com/article-1293-slam-dink.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And come to think of it, let’s hold on a cotton-fock-ing-picking minute here, stop the music, stop the music.]]> Eliot Mess http://shepherdexpress.com/article-1216-eliot-mess.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So I just now heard that the crime-fighting ex-attorney general and governor of New York, Eliot “The Untouchable” Spitzer, got busted for some kind of shenanigan involving “crossing state lines.” ]]> Premature Passover http://shepherdexpress.com/article-1135-premature-passover.html Leap of Faith http://shepherdexpress.com/article-1046-leap-of-faith.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, it downright dawned on me just the other day that here we are smackdab in the middle of the Lenten season and that I, religiously raised Roman Catholic— ]]> This Year’s Wiener Is… http://shepherdexpress.com/article-955-this-yearrss-wiener-ishellip.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I got tell you that right about now I’m feeling abso-focking-lutely low, down in the dumper, due to the kick of a steel-toed boot the voters delivered to my presidential privates courtesy of the Dairyland primary we had around here last Tuesday. Remember?]]> Free $peech a Buck Two-Eighty http://shepherdexpress.com/article-861-free-%2524peech-a-buck-two-eighty.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I was watching that Grammy music show the other night and I got to ask that if any of you’s got the phone number for Tina Turner’s plastic surgeon, please get in touch with me why don’t you. ]]> Art for Art’s Sake - Me and My Arrow http://shepherdexpress.com/article-773-art-for-artrss-sake-me-and-my-arrow.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, right now I don’t have the time to whip out a big honking essay for you’s that’s going to match up with the goddamn deadline I’m supposed to cram up my dupa weekto-week; so sue me. ]]> Art for Art’s Sake - Package Stimulator http://shepherdexpress.com/article-690-art-for-artrss-sake-package-stimulator.html So, now you are to get a free few hundred bucks from the government so’s you can stimulate the economy, big focking deal. If you got a car, exactly how many times will that fill up the tank when you pull up to the pump, empty? ]]> Art for Art's Sake - 1/20 http://shepherdexpress.com/article-618-art-for-arts-sake-1_20.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I hear America’s Dairyland despairing, the varied requiems to Super Bowl dreams I hear. ]]> Souse Broken http://shepherdexpress.com/article-531-souse-broken.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I got a couple, three things on my platter that’ll keep me from whipping out a full-blown essay for you’s once again this week. ]]> A Buck Two-Eighty and Change http://shepherdexpress.com/article-442-a-buck-two-eighty-and-change.html I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, I got to tell you that I’m getting a tad nervous, lo, these days, when it comes to the presidential compartment of The Art Kumbalek Democracy Express 2008 For Any and All Political Office—Whatever You Got Needs Filling I’ll Fill It ’Cause That’s The Kind Of Guy I Am ]]> A Kind of Lush, All Over the World - ART KUMBALEK http://shepherdexpress.com/article-374-a-kind-of-lush-all-over-the-world-art-kumbalek.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And so another holiday season comes to a close—for most of you’s, but not for me, no sir. As I’ve said many times before, for a guy like me everyday’s just another focking holiday, I kid you not.]]> Nut Cracked http://shepherdexpress.com/article-283-nut-cracked.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, one more essay before Christmas, and this is it. So read it and weep, or read it and sleep, or don’t even read it at all, what the fock. I understand that you may not have the time to read further than this, what with the hustle, bustle and schmutz of the holidays after all.]]> Fistful of Fruitcake - ART KUMBALEK http://shepherdexpress.com/article-209-fistful-of-fruitcake-art-kumbalek.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, I’m still on special reporter assignment to research the whereabouts of the future, so I’m short on the wherewithal to pony up an essay for you’s this week.]]> ART KUMBALEK - Still Waiting http://shepherdexpress.com/article-170-art-kumbalek-still-waiting.html Ding-Dong Merrily on High http://shepherdexpress.com/article-109-ding-dong-merrily-on-high.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So let me tell you’s, it’s been one goddamn piss-poor hell of a week, I kid you not. And since it’s that time of the end-of-the-year when I got a boatload of vacation time up the jock that if not used pronto will turn into a lump of shinola come New Year’s, I figure to take a day off right here, right now; and there’ll be no chock-jammed essay for you’s this week, what the fock.]]> A Grim Pill`s Regress http://shepherdexpress.com/article-63-a-grim-pill%2560s-regress.html I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So yeah yeah, it’s that time of year: tradition. And as I try to conjure up something, anything, that I can be thankful for, it’s tradition that the only thing I can think of is that I’ve never had to hear myself say in a court of law, “But your honor, she said she was 18, I swear.” ]]> On Top of the World http://shepherdexpress.com/article-15-on-top-of-the-world.html I`m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz, what a world, ain`a? So listen, I hear there`s some kind of writers strike been declared by a bunch of Hollywood knobs that call themselves the Writers Guild of America. It seems these are TV and movie guys and gals who`d like to be better compensated for the dick jokes they steal that then get conversationally bantered during a prime-time sitcom or used by Pauly Shore as a scene-topper in his next silver-screen laugh riot, what the fock. ]]>