Frank: I can just picture someeager adviser informing Woods, "On the bright side, the Associated Pressnamed you Athlete of the Decade."
Artie: If there's a trophy,it's something else for Elin to crown him with, ain’a?
Frank: If even 10% of thewomen selling their stories to tabloids are truthful, Tiger's been a busy guy.
Artie: All that's left to findout is that he got cozy with Sarah Palin, or maybe Susan Boyle during theBritish Open.
Frank: He has to emerge fromhis, um, bunker, and the history of big-name disgrace shows the sooner he does,the better.
Artie: There's no end ofwilling confessors—Oprah, Barbara, Larry, anyone on "60 Minutes."
Frank: And once you bare yoursoul on TV, the kingmaking begins again. Being a national joke as a philandererisn't terminal. Bill Clinton makes zillions as a globe-trotting windbag. EliotSpitzer is a frequent "talking head" on MSNBC. David Letterman’fessed up on camera and went right on telling jokes.
Artie: Six years ago, KobeBryant was facing a rape charge and oblivion. The charge was dropped, he paidup in a civil settlement, gave his wife a diamond boulder, and now he's biggerthan ever. Certainly big enough to take six steps, run over Andrew Bogut and stillget the crucial call at the Bradley Center last week.
Frank: Woods also is underscrutiny for associating with a Canadian doctor supposedly involved withillegal drugs.
Artie: If that only involvedusing something to recover from his knee surgery, Tiger will get past that,too.
Frank: Andy Pettitteapologized for using human growth hormone to help with injuries, and he's backon top as a World Series hero. Confession is good for the public image; it'sstonewalling that people hate, as Richard Nixon should have known.
Artie: Tiger's feelingeconomic fallout now—losing his ad deal with Accenture, whatever that is—buthe'll still be able to make a ton endorsing golf equipment. Character hasnothin' to do with whether you can nail a 7-iron.
Frank: And nailing a 7-ironhas nothin' to do with making someone a trustworthy pitchman for Buicks orfancy watches. It's ludicrous, but it must also be lucrative for companies thatget athletes to shill for them.
Artie: Which is where Tiger'sdemand for privacy runs into a public complication.
Frank: I heard Michael Wilbonon ESPN express it well. In doing commercials, Woods was saying, in effect,"Pay attention to me and believe my stellar image when it can make memoney, but leave me alone otherwise."
Artie: The image included thegorgeous wife and cute kids. Sure, the family deserves privacy, but then don'tbring ’em to the 18th hole to hug you on TV. Then they're props.
Frank: So we were deceived byTiger's image of domestic bliss. But what advertising image can we ever trust?Recently we learned from Andre Agassi—the "Image Is Everything" guyof the ’90s—that his distinctive, rebellious, way-cool mullet was a weave.
Artie: Even the image sellingthe idea of image was phony!It's enough to make you think companies are manipulating us, and that athletesjoin in for the... uh, for the...
Frank: You can say it. For themoney. Tiger will make less for a while, but unless he turns into a dufferhe'll still be marketable as The Man in golf.
Artie: I think his leave fromthe Tour will end before the Masters in April. The majors are really laid outfor him this year. He's won four times at Augustaalready, the U.S. Open is at Pebble Beach, where he won by 15 shots in 2000, and theBritish Open is at St. Andrews, where he's wontwice.
Frank: When he comes to Wisconsin in August forthe PGA Championship at Whistling Straits, he may be only a couple away fromJack Nicklaus' record of 18 majors. There's no reason fans can't cheer that;many athletes with lousy personal lives have been revered.
Artie: Even though it didn'tget into print much, plenty of people knew Babe Ruth was a hound. Same withMuhammad Ali.
Frank: Mickey Mantle didpublic penance for being a lush and womanizer and was an even bigger hero whenhe died. Kirby Puckett's personal life fell apart in his final years, but he'sstill beloved for his smiling brilliance on the field.
Artie: Steve Garvey, WadeBoggs—they got past their peccadilloes.
Frank: Woods has strongqualities that show in his golf, mainly determination and diligence. Butotherwise how does anyone know what kind of person he really is?
Artie: More than mostathletes, he's chosen to keep himself behind closed doors.
Frank: Our real heroes shouldbe the people we can seeacting decently behind closed doors—parents, siblings, close friends, teachers,caregivers.
Artie: When Tiger gets back togolf, I wonder how this guy who blows his top when a camera clicks will dealwith heckling. Like if someone says, "Hey Tiger, don't skank it... I meanshank it!"
Frank: You just got yourselfbarred from Whistling Straits.
Bowled Over By Mediocrity
Frank: Joy of joys, it'sbowl-game season! Including the BCS championship game, there are 34 of 'em.
Artie: Except for Wisconsin vs. Miamion Dec. 29, I'll be doing my laundry.
Frank: Out of 68 bowl teams,19 have four losses, 16 have five losses and nine are 6-6. The Insight Bowl isthe crown jewel of mediocrity, with Minnesotaand Iowa State bothat .500.
Artie: They weren't very good,and now, playing after a long layoff, they'll be worse. Hype that one, LeeCorso.
Frank: Who cares, as long asESPN sells commercials, the host cities fill hotel rooms with free-spendingfans and the schools get their payouts?
Artie: My big regret is thatwe fell one second short of BCS chaos.
Frank: If Colt McCoy'sout-of-bounds pass floats a bit more and time runs out, Texasdoesn't kick a field goal, beat Nebraska andreach the championship game against Alabama.
Artie: And maybe the sixfat-cat BCS conferences see an outsider, TCU of the Mountain West, in the titlegame.
Frank: This year five teamsare unbeaten, including Boise State, TCU and Cincinnati.That just screams, “Playoff system!”
Artie: Every other NCAAfootball division does it, and every other team sport.
Frank: Whatever ranking systemyou use, put the top eight teams in a playoff. Use existing bowls for it, withthe title game in mid-January, or have the first-round games in mid-December.
Artie: But the NCAA won'tchallenge the BCS conferences—SEC, ACC, Big Ten, Big 12, Pacific 10 and BigEast.
Frank: Then let's have theNCAA do something about the travesty at Cincinnati.Brian Kelly coaches the Bearcats to 12-0, then bolts to Notre Dame before"his kids" play in the Sugar Bowl against Florida.
Artie: Just like RichRodriguez did in '07, deserting West Virginiabefore the Fiesta Bowl to take the Michiganjob. The NCAA should put a moratorium on hiring coaches until after the bowls.Or else match the transfer rule for athletes; if a coach leaves early, he hasto sit out a year.
Frank: Then he can sue theNCAA and explain why he didn't owe his players a full season.
