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Wednesday, Sept. 16, 2009

Florida Man’s ‘Kitty’ Porn

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Keith Griffin, 48, was arrested in Martin County, Fla., in August for possessing child pornography on his computer. He tried to talk detectives out of the arrest by claiming that his cat often walked on the keyboard and must have stepped on some combination of keys that resulted in the downloading of about 1,000 images.

 Agile Athletes

 (1) Earlier this summer, Chicago Cubs pitcher Ryan Dempster missed a month with a broken toe that he suffered when he tripped on a railing while leaving the dugout to celebrate a victory over the Milwaukee Brewers. (2) The Kansas City Royals’ Jose Guillen missed more than a month after tearing a ligament in his knee while leaning over to put on a shin guard in a July game. (3) Appalachian State quarterback Armanti Edwards, a three-time All-American, will miss the first month of the season after injuring his foot in August while mowing his lawn.

 People With Worse Sex Lives Than You  

 Danny Brawner, 46, was indicted in Albuquerque, N.M., in August for aggravated indecent exposure. An off-duty officer and his 10-year-old son witnessed Brawner with his pants down around his ankles, performing simulated sexual intercourse against the trunk of his car. The officer also said Brawner was shouting and swinging his arms, as if enjoying the real thing.

 Breakthroughs in Eye Hair

 The pharmaceutical company Allergan has introduced Latisse, a $120-per-month, prescription-drug eyelash-thickener aimed at women who feel insecure about having thin lashes. Alternatively, eyelash transplants are now available in the United States and Britain. These procedures were originally developed to restore lashes for burn victims, but according to the American Academy of Cosmetic Surgery, they are now being marketed to women who are simply dissatisfied with their own (at a cost of about $6,000). And in May, Washington, D.C., resident Brian Peterkin-Vertanesian petitioned Guinness World Records to recognize his 6-plus-inch eyebrow hair as the world's longest (beating the current record by almost an inch).

The Continuing Crisis

 Juvenile disruptions in two recent federal lawsuit depositions by "Girls Gone Wild" video producer Joe Francis have apparently backfired. Under questioning by plaintiffs’ lawyers, Francis persistently and solemnly claimed not to understand common words and, during one session, repeatedly passed gas. At another deposition, he appeared indignant when asked if he had paid two teenage girls to fondle him ("disgusting allegations [against] a man of my integrity"). One judge summarily ruled against him on a $3 million Las Vegas gambling debt, and the other judge was considering a similar course in a class-action lawsuit by some of Francis’ allegedly underage "models."

 Yikes!

 (1) In August, Glasgow, Scotland, hosted the annual World Pipe Band Championships, a competition featuring some 200 bagpipe bands. Professional piping often hits a sound level of 100 decibels and can go to 120, which is louder than a pneumatic drill. (2) Two buskers in the village of Moseley, England, were banned from performing in the area in August after a magistrate court heard complaints from upset residents that the pair played only two songs (Oasis' "Wonderwall" and George Michael's "Faith") over and over and over.

 Recurring Themes

 For at least the third time in eight years, geography-challenged vacationers bought airline tickets for a trip to Sydney, Australia, but failed to notice that their tickets took them to Sydney, Nova Scotia. Dutchman Joannes Rutten and his grandson appeared shocked when they arrived in Canada, even though they had boarded an earlier connecting flight in Halifax, Nova Scotia. In December 2008, an Argentine woman made a similar mistake, and in August 2002 a young British couple, after realizing their error, simply decided to spend their holiday in Nova Scotia instead.

 A News of the Weird Classic (March 1996)

 Postal worker Douglas C. Yee, 50, was indicted in February 1996 in San Mateo, Calif., for pulling off bulk-mail scams totaling more than $800,000. Found in Yee’s garbage were notes he had written to god expressing gratitude for his continued help in evading police detection. Read one, "Lord, I am having a difficult time myself seeing you as a God who hides crime, yet your Word says that it’s your privilege (or glory) to do just that."

Copyright 2009 Chuck Shepherd

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