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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Cunnilingus Conundrums

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I love-I mean LOVE-eating pussy. Not to be nasty, but I will stay downtown for an hour and a half at one time. My first question is: Why won't she allow me to make her come more than once by going down on her? Second question: Do women like a man to be open about giving oral sex-meaning just random women that men are having dealings with-or is it a turnoff to tell a woman that you love to give oral sex? My third question is: I can't have sex without giving head to a woman; is that a problem? Last question: Is it wrong or a turnoff for a man to want to give his lady head two to three times a day (once she's out of the shower in the a.m., once she gets home from work and before we go to sleep)?

I'm glad to print this question, because I think too many women still feel self-conscious about their genitals or worry that their partners don't enjoy going down on them. For you and other cunnilingus connoisseurs, I recommend Rachel Kramer Bussel's new erotica anthology, Tasting Her: Oral Sex Stories, which just won an Independent Publisher Book Award.

Your questions seem to refer both to specific women that you've had sex with and to women in general. It's impossible to generalize, since people's sexual responses and turn-ons vary so much. According to research done by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller for their book IŞFemale Orgasm, 14% of women say that receiving oral sex is the most reliable way for them to have an orgasm (although up to 87% of women have had someone go down on them). That means that 86% of women may love oral sex but find it easier to come through some other technique, or that oral sex may not be their thing at all. Communication with each partner is key.

Your first question is why a woman would not want you to make her come more than once via oral sex. I assume that you're talking about coming more than one time in a row. While women are capable of having more than one orgasm in succession, not all women enjoy that. For some, the clitoris may feel incredibly sensitive after orgasm, so much so that additional stimulation after a first orgasm may feel unpleasant. Others may love you to keep going and may enjoy having a second orgasm.

Your second question is whether it's OK to tell women that you are hooking up with or don't know very well that you love giving oral sex. Why not? I think people should communicate more about sex, not less, especially about what they enjoy. If someone is offended that you mention it, that person probably isn't the best match for you anyway.

Your last two questions ask whether it's "wrong" to like oral sex so much. There's nothing inherently wrong with loving a particular type of sex; problems can arise when sex becomes more important than other daily tasks, or if your partners don't share your enthusiasm. Many people require a certain type of stimulation to become aroused or get off. But if you're solely focused on your own needs and not whether your partner wants to receive oral sex, it can be an issue. It might seem odd that something like cunnilingus, which is supposed to be about pleasuring another person, could actually be a selfish act. However, if your lady wants to get out of the shower and start getting ready for work rather than receive some oral loving, and you insist or pressure her into letting you go down on her, then that's all about you, not her.

Want Laura to answer your questions in SEXpress? Send them tolaura@shepex.com. Not all questions received will be answered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questions that do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced in this column, both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity and content.

Laura Anne Stuart has a master's degree in public health and has worked as a sexuality educator for more than a decade. She owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee's East Side.

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