Editor’s Note: Well, he’s done it again. By now, we’re all used to Mr. Kumbalek phoning it in whilst writing his essay, but this week he’s literally phoned in to say he can’t even write a phoned-in essay for his few-and-dwindling readers. Much like death and taxes, only far more of a pain in the posterior, we’ve learned to count on an excuse from Mr. Kumbalek for not churning out his so-called work.

This week the man of the hour is reporting that he has “digestive issues,” and thus can’t crap out his weekly gem. Never mind the cramping and nausea that come from editing his putrid column each week, but how does a man with no guts suffer from digestive issues?

Ten times out of nine, these “digestive issues” stem from various assortments of alcohol that lead to nights spent halfconscious in a suspicious puddle lining some back alley, crawling around like a bedraggled, delirious raccoon that even Gandhi would have shot “just because.” Yes, sir, it doesn’t take Sherlock Focking Holmes to follow the missing case of bourbon to solve this week’s Case of the Missing Essay.

Speaking of missing items and suspicious circumstances, we find it rather odd that Artie K. goes “sick” the same day Milwaukee law enforcement reports that a possible serial killer has been off-and-on and off-and-on and then offing some of our city’s precious prostitutes. When you’ve edited his work as long as we have, you naturally link the words “Kumbalek” and “lifeless whore.” Then again, it’s hard to believe that good ol’ Artie could find the resources and discipline to pull off any crime beyond loitering.

Even still, should you find yourself on a jury with Art K. as defendant, you couldn’t go wrong with a guilty vote. Perhaps with some dedicated time in the clink, where his only concerns would be an hour of exercise and the thrice-aday satisfying of his “New Daddy,” Mr. Kumbalek could manage to finish his weekly essay.

For now though, feel better, Art, but not too much better: We look forward to you squeezing out your literary nuggets in a more timely manner—and if anything, digestive issues should help speed things along.