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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Down the Rabid-Hole

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I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And what the fock, curiouser and curiouser are these Focks News Network-sponsored tax-protest tea parties for our guns-and-god dirtball wannabe white-supremacist less-than-a-crowd who swallow the spew from Joe Plumb and Plumber etc. that if the ultra-rich folks have to pay some kind of income tax, then it’s time to secede from Abraham Lincoln’s union of states and all move to the Republic of Texas where George W. Bush could be our glorious El Presidente.

As Daffy Duck—that truly great aquatically iconic American hero not to mention Nazi fighter—would say, “It is to laugh.”

Yeah, you betcha. Or as Alice said as she left her wonderland tea party: “At any rate I’ll never go there again!… It’s the stupidest teaparty I ever was at in all my life!”

Suffering succotash, this au currant teaparty malarkey is indeed a bad joke, which reminds me of a little story:

So this duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he felt the need to empty his urinary bladder. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun, just as a sudden gust o wind blew. The gun fell over and discharged, shooting him smack-dab in the genitals. Several hours later, whilst lying in a hospital bed, his doctor approached.

“Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.’’

The injured duck hunter, naturally, then asked for the bad news. And the doctor said, “The bad news is that there was some extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I am going to have to refer you to my sister.” And the hunter said, “I assume your sister is a plastic surgeon?” To which the doctor replied, “No sir. She’s a flute player in the Manitowoc Symphony. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.”

Ba-ding! But if you ask me, this current tea-bagging tax hubbub has abso-fockinglutely nothing to do with truth, justice and the American way. No sir, for that we still have the Miss USA Pageant, ain’a? Oh yeah, and what a competition it was this year that came right down to the blond gal from North Carolina and the blond gal from California. And right before the judges made their carefully considered decision, I had this vision:

Miss Carolina and Miss California were leaving the hotel on their way to the pageant finals when Miss Carolina realized she had locked the keys in their fancy rent-a-car. She was trying to pick the lock when Miss California said, “Hurry up. Gawd. It’s starting to rain and you left the top down, stupid bitch!”

Anyways, I believe the spirit and soul of this United States of America remains strong, and will continue so provided that “Christian conservative Republicans” are born again to my definition of “Christian” and that Wall Street investment bankers are launched into space so as to find some other economic planet to fock up.

Our country needs to return to the ideal of good intentions upon which it was founded. Doesn’t really matter if they’re successful, just as long as they’re good. That’s the key. What the fock, good deeds and kind words, that’s my kind of America. And so I leave you with this inspirational story recently sent to me:

Dear Artie: As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. And so I blew my pipes and played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I’d never played before, from “Going Home” and “The Lord Is My Shepherd” to “Flowers of the Forest.” I closed this rather lengthy session with “Amazing Grace” and as I walked to my car, I whistled “Danny Boy.”

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers say to another, “Sweet Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

’Tis true, much of a muchness these days, so don’t forget to live like you mean it, as they say, until they say something else, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.