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Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Bracket Bluster

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I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? And let’s just hold on a cotton-focking-picking minute here, shall we? Listen, it’s that time of year where I’ve got to signal for a time-out, and take a breather—it being the Lenten season after all, during which I have yet to decide on a personal sacrifice I ought to make, and the clock keeps ticking, what the fock.

So I figured maybe best at this late-ish date would be to give up whipping out an essay this week, and instead bless myself with a retreatfully quiet period so as to observe and religiously fulfill the solemn task of completing my bracketform-thing for this year’s Men’s NCAA College Basketball Tournament before it’s too goddamn late, praise the lord.

I may have mentioned this in the past, but it deserves a replay—especially for you’s young people who may be dipping your toe into the NCAA bracketology pool for the first time—that in this troubled economy, pissing away eight-hoursa-day of company time for a couple, three days on making your selections will not get the job done, I kid you not. You need to spend a lot more time than that if you’re truly serious about winning your buck two-eighty office jackpot.

For christ sakes, this year I’ve already spent more than 16 hours researching just the #5 Utah vs. #12 Arizona match-up in the Midwest Regional, and yet the best I can figure is that it’ll come down to a prayer. Cripes, I haven’t even begun to think about #6 Marquette and #11 Utah State in the West or #8 LSU and #9 Butler in the South.

Don’t forget, like life, there’s no doovers in bracketology. Once you’ve made your choices and click on “Enter,” your fate is cast, and you will either rejoice or regret the entity you chose to be national champion—and I say right now that if you chose Chattanooga or Robert Morris not to mention Ohio focking State, god help you.

Anyways, I got to get back to choosing mine own fate. I suppose it being smack-dab in the middle of Lent not to mention St. Patty’s Day-and-a-week-anda-focking-half, it would be appropriate for me to choose a nice Catholic school to win it all—a Villanova, an Xavier, say. Yeah, screw that. This year, like every year, I say “Go Badgers!” ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.