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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Ein Half-Baked Haus

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I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, I can’t whip out an essay for you’s this week on account of the fact that my presidential cam paign war chest is down to its last $25 bucks; so I figure I best invest it in consulting fees to be accrued by my brain trust over at the Uptowner tavern/charm school situated at the corner by Center & Humboldt there, in hopes they may advise me how best to convince the senator from Illinois that when he goes top-dog in the White House, I be his No. 2. Tag along if you like, but you cover the first round. Let’s get going.

Julius: Yeah, I know the NASA scientists got a big boner ’cause they found ice on Mars. Big fock ing deal. They could’ve saved a lot of dough if they’d just come by my place. I got ice, too. It’s in my refrigerator.

Emil: I wish the scientists would come by my place. I discovered something in the back of my refrigerator last night and I don’t know what the fock it is. Tupperware isn’t supposed to flicker, or hover, ain’a?

Little Jimmy Iodine: I know what you’re say ing, Juley, that $420 million bucks is a lot of money to spend to find ice, and it’s a lot of money to spend, period. Now, if they had gone to Mars and then they found Jimmy Hoffa or an abandonedConestoga wagon, I might change my tune.

Ernie: Or Britney Spears’ underpants.

Herbie: You got to be jerking my beefaroni. Are they still lost?

Ernie: Beats me, but if they are, stands to reason they got to be somewheres. And if they found those panties on Mars, just think of the kind of career-turnaround publicity that would get, ain’a?

Herbie: The only thing that could top that is if they found them around the pope’s ankles.

Ray: Yeah, with Britney still in them. 

Ernie: Ba-ding! That’s an “ET” exclusive for you, I kid you not.

Emil: Jeez louise, the way you talk. You’re just lucky the pope is Catholic instead of lord of the Muslims, or you’d be in big trouble.

Little Jimmy Iodine:
You know you’s guys, maybe Obama Barack should’ve gone to Mars instead of the Middle East and Europe. Lots of guys have visited there, BFD, but who the fock’s been to godforsaken Mars, ain’a?

Emil: Didn’t The Three Stooges get there once?

Ray: And here comes the fourth stooge now, what’s-his-name, let’s see Moe, Larry, Curly—oh yeah, Dipshit.

Little Jimmy Iodine:
Hey. Artie! Over here. Put a load on your keister.

Art: Hey gents. What do you hear, what do you know.

Ernie: I heard Emil was wondering if The Three Stooges ever went to Mars.

Artie: Not that I recall. I know they fought some Martians once, but I don’t think they ever technically got to the Red Planet.

Herbie: Santa Claus did, though, and there’s film to prove it. In fact I think he even conquered the focking Martians, if I’m not mistaken.

Julius: There you go, Artie. If you get to be president and those Iranians try to wank your wiener schnitzel about this or that, don’t let loose our troops or nuclear weapons, just send in kick-ass Santa. If the fat man can conquer ray gun-toting Martians, I’m guessing those heat crazed mullah imams don’t have a prayer.

Artie: I don’t believe Obama has to visit Mars to get elected. What could really help though, is that when he comes back from this trip he’s on is to stroll up to the podium at the first press conference carrying a duffel bag, he unzips the bag, pulls out the head of Osama bin Laden on a stick and says, “As to the political motivation for my recent trip overseas— any questions?”

Little Jimmy: Hey Artie, you going to come with us to the German Fest on Saturday?

Artie: I think I’ll pass, fellas. Yeah, I know there’ll be a lot of the German oom-pah music down there, but if there’s a soundtrack in Hell, that’s got to be it. I can wait. Besides, Saturday I’m invited to the wedding of a very nice young couple I know, god bless them.

Ray: If they ask you to speak, and why would n’t they, I got a little story you can use, and it goes something like this: So this food-expert is addressing a large audience at a dietitian conference: “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful.

Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some, and none of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

“But there is one substance that is the most afflict ing of all, and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can any one here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years long after eating it?” And an elderly gent in the front row raises his hand and says, “Wedding cake?” (It’s getting late and I know you got to go, but thanks for letting us bend your ear ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.)