Wait, What?
Murder “contracts” are ubiquitous in novels and movies, but an actual murder contract cannot be enforced in American courts. However, a recent “contract” case in Norway (according to the Norwegian newspaper Varden, as reported on vice.com) came down hard on a hit man who got cold feet. The hit man, who stalled repeatedly, was finally sued by the payer, who won a jury verdict (later set aside) for the unrequited killing. Then, because the hit man had attempted to extort even more money from the payer (to find a substitute killer), the hit man was fined the equivalent of $1,200.
Unclear on the Concept
About three-fourths of the 1,580 IRS workers found to have deliberately attempted to evade federal income tax during the last 10 years have nonetheless retained their jobs, according to a May report by the agency’s inspector general. Some even received promotions and performance bonuses (although an internal rule, adopted last year, now forbids such bonuses to one adjudged to owe back taxes).
Is This a Great Country or What?
Lightly regulated investors’ “hedge funds” (the province of wealthy people and large institutions) failed in 2014 (for the sixth straight year) to outearn ordinary stock index funds following the S&P 500. However, at hedge funds, underperformance seems unpunishable—as the top 25 fund managers still collectively earned $11.62 billion in fees and salaries (an average of over $464 million each). The best-paid hedge fund manager earned $1.3 billion.
Pets with Issues
■ Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder: (1) A veterinarian at Brighton (U.K.) Pet Hospital, operating on Garry, age 2, a black-and-white cat with a tumor-like bulge in his abdomen, found instead (and removed) a large collection of shoelaces and hairbands that might soon have cost Garry his life. (2) Benno, the Belgian Malinois, of Mountain Home, Ark., has eaten a ridiculous series of items over his four years, but his latest meal, in April, was 23 live rounds of .308-caliber bullets (all swallowed after Benno had partially gnawed them). Among Benno's other delicacies: a bra, lawn mower air filter, TV remote, Styrofoam peanuts, drywall, magnets and an entire loaf of bread still in the wrapper.
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■ Least Competent Snake: Owner Aaron Rouse was feeding his python, Winston, a tasty rat in May, using barbecue tongs, when Winston got hold of the tongs and would not let go. Rouse, of Adelaide, Australia, decided not to engage in a tug-of-war, but when he returned (believing Winston would see no food value in the metal clamps), the tongs had been swallowed and were halfway through the snake's comically bloated body. After taking X-rays (that of course became Internet attractions), a veterinarian at Adelaide University removed the tongs by surgery.
Crime in Florida
(1) Daniel Palmer, 26, was arrested in Miami Beach in April only after he returned to the crime scene area to berate his victim, a New York tourist from whom he had snatched a “fake” necklace at gunpoint. Palmer initially got away, but was upset and returned to confront the tourist, who pointed out Palmer’s car to an officer. (2) Joey Mudd, 34, of Largo, Fla., was arrested in May, along with her husband, Chad, on charges that they routinely shared marijuana and even cocaine with their daughters, aged 13 and 14. Deputies said Mudd freely admitted that she used the drugs as incentives to get the girls to do their chores and do well in school.
Update
“Abstract impressionist” Mark Rothko has appeared in News of the Weird both for the extraordinary prices people pay to own his uncomplicated paintings and for their sometimes-indistinct differentiation from squiggles made by playful toddlers. Sotheby’s auction house announced in May that his Untitled, (Blue and Yellow) had been sold for $46.5 million. The Untitled canvas consists of three unevenly edged rectangles—a yellow on top of a blue, on top of a small yellow strip. The Sotheby’s catalog described the piece (presumably, without irony) as one that shows “how truly miraculous a painting can be.”
© 2015 CHUCK SHEPHERD
