Show Me What It Looks Like to Kiss Like a Girl

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Art Kumbalek

I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, about the humongous snowstorms here and around the country lately, a reminder to the TV weather guys and gals: You’re jerking my beefaroni when you describe the storm as of “Biblical proportions.” Hey, the people who first made up the Bible wouldn’t of known “cold” if it came up and took a big honking bite right out of thine beatific butts. Give me a focking break. You ever hear of Jesus shoveling snow? You ever hear Him telling his flock to wear a hat “cause you lose 90% of your body heat out the topsides of your heads,” so it is written? They were all in a desert. They knew about as much from the cold and snow as they did about the Earth being round for christ sakes, so focking forget about it.

Anyways, another Super Sunday national holiday has come and gone and I’m left wondering to where the hell has gone all the so-called “talent” charged with the responsibility to slap together the ne plus ultra TV commercials that then become the talk of the town for a focking day or two.

According to my rate card, it was a mighty piss-poor lot that hit the air in betweenst every handful of Seattle/New England back-and-forths last Sunday—a commercial collection best summed up by a snappy catchphrase, like “Nothing to See Here.”

I can’t understand why no one gave me a call to lend a hand with these TV ads. Cripes, I’ve got a boatload of scenarios that would grab the viewers’ attention by the balls and not let go ’til the final product-pitch crossed the plate—scenarios camera-ready and one-size-fits-all and any product or service you got needs pitching.

I offer a couple, three here, and see if you don’t agree:

 For boner pills or one of those new-fangled cameras:

Leo finds a lady friend he likes and it’s pretty serious to where he’s staying by her place a lot. One night after some hootchie-cootchie, Leo wants a cigarette but he can’t find his lighter. He asks this gal if hers were handy, and she says no but maybe there’s some matches in the bedside-table drawer.

Leo opens the drawer and there’s a box of matches sitting on top of a framed picture of some guy. He grabs the photo and says, “Who the fock is this? Your husband? You seeing another guy?” Leo’s gal starts rubbing her hand up and down his leg, nibbles on his ear lobe and says, “No silly, don’t get all worried. That’s me, before the operation.” Ba-ding, ka-ching!

 Here’s a cute one, maybe for some kind of insurance company:

A man notices a small boy wearing a fireman’s hat, sitting in a cart being pulled by his pet dog. When he gets closer he notices that the cart is tied to the dog’s testicles. “That’s a nice fire engine,” the man says, “but wouldn’t the dog pull faster if you tied the rope to his collar?” And the boy says, “Probably, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.” Ba-ding, ka-ching!

 Wouldn’t be a Super Bowl game without a beer ad, ain’a? And add a subtext for the need to drink responsibly, what the fock:

OK, so you’ve got three dickweeds talking about how wasted they got at a party the night before. The first guy says, “I drank so much of that good beer last night, that I got pulled over on my way home, couldn’t remember the alphabet so I got a DWI.” Second guy says, “That’s nothing. I drank so much of that good beer that when I was driving home, I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.” Third guys says, “Big focking deal. I drank so much of that good beer last night that when I got home, I blew chunks.”

Now you cut to a shot of a German Shepherd standing in front of a doghouse. Camera pans up to the top of the doghouse where there’s this nice, homey sign that says “Chunks.” Ba-ding, ka-ching!

 Why breakfast at McDonald’s might be a good idea:

A couple is married 50 years. They’re sitting at the breakfast table and the wife says, “Just think, 50 years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.” And the old guy says, “And we were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”

The old gal says, “What’s say we relive some old times, ain’a?” The two strip buck-naked and sit back down at the table. “You know, honey,” the old gal says, “if I’m not mistaken, my nipples are as hot for you today as they were way back when.” And the husband says, “Could be, ’cause one’s in your coffee and the other’s in your oatmeal.” Ba-ding and ka-ching! ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.