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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

The Customer Isn’t Always Right

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In April, according to police in Fort Pierce, Fla., Amity Joy Doss, 24, grabbed a young McDonald’s employee by her shirt to emphasize her dissatisfaction with the service. Doss then asked the manager to fire the employee. Instead, the manager called police while Doss wandered outside, climbed a tree, hung upside down by bended knee, descended the tree and lay down on the hood of her car before re-entering the restaurant to ask if the girl had been fired yet. She was arrested on several charges.

Can’t Possibly Be True
Last year, the Swiss watchmaker Romain Jerome created a watch made from remnants of the Titanic. In April of this year, the company introduced the “Day&Night” watch, which retails for about $300,000 even though it doesn’t provide a reading of the hour or the minute. In fact, it only tells whether it is “day” or “night,” using a measurement of the Earth’s gravity. CEO Yvan Arpa said studies show that two-thirds of rich people “don’t (use) their watch to tell what time it is” anyway. Anyone can buy a watch that tells time, he told a Reuters reporter, but only a “truly discerning customer” can buy one that doesn’t.

In April, Sara Tucholsky hit her first-ever fence-clearing home run, which would have given her Western Oregon University softball team the lead against favored Central Washington, except that she tore a ligament rounding first base and couldn’t move. By rule, a pinch-runner would have had to enter the game, but would be required to remain at first base instead of circling the bases. Instead, however, two Central Washington players picked Tucholsky up and carried her around the bases to allow her to get credit for the home run. “You deserve it,” one opponent said. “You hit it over the fence.” Kindness hurt, however, as Central Washington lost 4-2 and was eliminated from playoff contention.

Inexplicable
Angelique Vandeberg, 28, was arrested in May in Sheboygan, Wis., and charged with felony child abuse after her 8-year-old daughter reported that Vandeberg had intentionally shot her in the leg with a BB gun in order to win a $1 bet with her boyfriend. (Police said alcohol was involved.)

Fetishes on Parade
CNN TV personality Richard Quest was arrested in New York City’s Central Park after curfew in April, with drugs in his pocket and a rope tied to his genitals, according to a New York Post report (which had no explanation of the purpose of the rope).

Least Competent Criminals
(1) Two teenagers were arrested in March and charged with highway shooting sprees near Waynesboro and Charlottesville, Va., that shut down Interstate 64 for six hours. Surveillance video showed that the perps got away in a 1974 AMC Gremlin, and the only one in the area belongs to one of the suspects.

(2) Three men were arrested in New Orleans in February and charged with possession of almost 2 pounds of marijuana after police were called to the scene of a car on fire. Police said the fire started when the men stashed their dope under the hood and it overheated.

Recurring Themes:

(1) Mr. Cash Burch, 24, was arrested in Waterloo, Iowa, in April after he broke into a truck and tried to start it, but instead triggered a theft-prevention device that locked the doors, trapping him inside, where he was waiting when police arrived.

(2) Justin MacGilfrey, 19, was arrested in February for the attempted robbery of a Circle K convenience store in Daytona Beach, Fla. The clerk chased him from the store when he realized that MacGilfrey’s only “weapon” was a pretend gun he made using his finger and thumb.

The Aristocrats!
(1) San Diego City Council candidate John Hartley said he would stay in the race despite his March arrest and no-contest plea after two women said they saw him parked in front of their house one evening masturbating into a cup. (Hartley denied masturbating, but said it had been a long day of campaigning and that, as he later wrote in a mailing, he “had to take a leak.”)

(2) Officials at Vicente Sotto Memorial Medical Center in Cebu City, Philippines, apologized in April on behalf of at least six doctors and other personnel for laughing during surgery (and making a video that was later uploaded to YouTube) while removing a perfume canister from the anus of a male patient.

2008 Chuck Shepherd

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