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Wednesday, Jan. 15, 2014

On the Rocks

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I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, during last Friday’s ice storm I discovered that a Sonja Henie I am not. Not only don’t I have the skills, but neither do I have the snazzy outfits, what the fock.

Given the ice-cap conditions, I figured it would take about a day and a half to reach my dinky apartment from here at headquarters, provided I didn’t become a snack for some goddamn wandering polar bear en route. So I figured the wisest move would be to inch my way to the nearest northbound No. 10 bus stop and hole up with the fellas for the duration over by the Uptowner tavern/charm school situated at the corner by Center & Humboldt there. Tag along if you like, but you cover the first round. Let’s get going.

Julius: The hell they are.

Emil: The hell they’re not.

Julius: Listen, knobshine. No way in hell can parrots be smarter than chimps. You ever see a parrot smoke a goddamn cigar? You ever see a parrot ride a focking tricycle? You ever see a parrot give a cat a sponge bath? The chimps I’ve seen do that kind of stuff all the time.

Emil: Oh yeah? You ever hear a focking monkey say “fock you”?

Ray: Yeah. Just now.

Ernie: Is it just me, or have we actually had this conversation before?

Herbie: Could be. The space-time continuum has its quirks, to be sure. Plus, there’s only a finite number of words in the English language I hear, so it stands to reason guys’ll repeat words in the same order once in awhile, ain’a?

Ray: That’s true. I can’t tell you’s how many times I’ve told the focking wife to “give me a focking break” with the words exactly in that order every time.

Little Jimmy Iodine: You guys ever wonder why dogs haven’t learned to talk yet?

Herbie: They’re too damn busy chewing up house slippers and licking up their own vomit. They don’t have time to talk.

Ernie: I think the jury’s still out about whether dogs can talk or not ’cause my brother-in-law Wally told me about this time he was up by his cottage in Crivitz and he sees this sign by a farm house that said “Talking Dog for Sale.” So he rings the bell and the owner tells my brother-in-law the dog’s in the backyard. So Wally goes out back and sees this mutt sitting there. “You talk?” Wally asks. “You bet, pally,” the mutt says. “You got to be jerking my beefaroni,” Wally says, “So, what’s the story?”

Dog looks up and says, “I discovered my rare gift as a pup and thought I could help the government. So I got in touch with the CIA, and in no time they had me flying from country to country, licking my balls in rooms with spies and world leaders ’cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was their most valuable spy for eight years in a row your time, 56 years my time. But constantly flying around the globe all the time really got to me. I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at an airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters, sniffing ass and listening in. Well sir, I uncovered some treacherous anti-American dealings there and was awarded a whole bunch of medals. Had me a bitch, a mess of puppies and now I’m retired.”

Wally’s abso-focking-lutely agog. So he asks the owner what he wants for the dog. Owner says, “Ten bucks.” Wally hands him the sawbuck and asks, “This dog is incredible, but why the hell on earth are you selling him?” Owner says, “That dog is so full of shit. Did he tell you about the CIA? Yeah, right. You can’t believe a focking word he says and I’m sick of it.”

Ray: And speaking of full of shit…

Little Jimmy Iodine: Hey, Artie! Over here. Put a load on your keister.

Art: Hey gents. What do you hear, what do you know.

Julius: Haven’t heard a peep about any topless figure skating in the Olympics yet.

Herbie: Artie, you see in the papers they said a drink a day keeps the doctors away?

Art: Focking-A. That’s the kind of news that can elect me president. Forget about Obamacare, universal health care, Medicare. Every man, woman and child gets a fresh pint of Ol’ Granddad every day of the week. A trillion billion bucks saved. Health care schmutz over and done with. God bless America.

(It’s getting late and I know you got to go, but thanks for letting us bend your ear ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.)