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Friday, Oct. 11, 2013

Confessions: Oct. 11

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  • I'm a parking checker downtown  & I go out of my way to ticket lefty cars, because I refuse to "coexist"!
  • I leave gay porn out on my desk in hopes that my wife will get the hint and figure it out on her own. I am just too scared to say it myself.
  • It would not faze me one bit if my son came out of the closet. But if he ever had the nerve to tell me he was a republican I would lose my sh*t!
  • I have dreams and nightmares about you both at times. For the conniving jobless usurper, I am sorry for stabbing you in the neck with a pen after our argument in my nightmare last night. I want to forget.
  • I accidently saw my boyfriend’s internet browsing history last night. I expected to see a bunch of porn websites, but instead I saw searches for “ways to better communicate with my girlfriend”. He’s a keeper.
  • The amount of anger and tension I have building up inside of me is dangerous. I am terrified to go into public because I don’t know what the last straw will be that will cause me to snap and just beat the crap out of whoever is around.
  • I fantasize about sabotaging your wedding. The plot gets better and better as each day passes. You’ll get what’s coming to you.
  • I deleted my Facebook account because I told people it was a waste of time and I needed to focus on work. The truth is, it was causing me such depression to see everyone in my life so happy when I am at such a low point.
  • My wife and I are having some martial problems. She got upset with me and slapped me across the face. It took all of me not to slap her right back. I wanted to go file a report of domestic abuse but I feel like that’d be a huge blow to my manhood. I just can’t win here.
  • My confession is that I am obsessed with the Kardashians. I watch every Sunday night. I am a 36 year old, straight male, but I have a thing for Scott Disick.
  • My uncle passed away last week and of course I am expected to go to his funeral. It will be the happiest day of my life to see that man who molested me as a child lying dead right in front of me. I only wish it would have happened sooner.
  • I don’t even pity you anymore. In fact, I don’t think about you at all, and that means I have finally won.
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