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Monday, June 10, 2013

The Ocean’s Near the Shore

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I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? Listen, as I would’ve said in last week’s essay before I was rudely interrupted by the end of space, the psychological racket about to be raised by all the good-timey gemutlich-focking-keit that gushes to and fro around Our Town this festival time of year is too much for the likes of me to tune out. So I came to my senses and figured out that there’ll be no essay again from me for you’s this week, no sir. Instead, I’ll claim an oasis of hiatus where I’ll engage myself in solitarily quiet contemplation and a couple, three cocktails, what the fock.

Yeah yeah, there’s just too much outdoor entertainment going on every time you turn around this upcoming time of year and I don’t have the constitution for the outdoors—I get worn out just trying to find a goddamn ashtray for christ sakes. And if you’re talking outdoors, you’re talking bugs and insects; so forget about it, especially those focking insects that sleep all the day long whilst the sun’s up, and so what’s the first thing these winged fockers do when they come out at nighttime? They head for the nearest light source.

That’s exactly the kind of stupid-ass behavioral aggravation that drives me indoors this time of year, not to mention all the music, all the time, everywhere. Hey, music’s been around reaming the eardrum of the Homo sapien for a couple, three hundred-focking-thousand years. There are 12 notes. Enough already. Take a break, for crying out loud. We’ve heard it.

Anyways, to fulfill my contractual duty of filling space with schmutz, let’s say we dip into Art’s Joke Bag:

You hear about this old guy who comes home from a round of golf? The wife asks him how it went and he says, “I was hitting the ball pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.” The wife says, “Of course, dear. You’re 75-years-old. Why don’t you take my brother along next time?” The old guy says, “Yeah, but he’s 85 and doesn’t play golf anymore.” But the wife says her brother’s still got perfect eyesight, blah-blah, that he could at least watch the ball for the husband, blah-blah.

So the next day the two old guys hit the golf course. The husband tees off and the ball disappears down the fairway. The old-fart husband asks, “Did you see it?” And the older-fart brother says he sure did. “So, where’s it at?” the husband wants to know. Brother says, “I forgot.”

And 69 years ago the Allies invaded Normandy: An older rugged Army major attends an event at a college, and a nice-looking young lady approaches and says, "Excuse me sir, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

Major says, "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young gal checks out his uniform with the awards and decorations and says, "Looks like you’ve seen a lot of action." Major stiffly says, "Yes, ma'am. Lot of action."

So the gal says, "You know Major, you should lighten up a little. Relax. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when’s the last time you had sex?" "Major says, "1957, ma'am."

Gal says, "See? You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1957!?" She’s feeling charitable and a little tipsy, takes his hand and leads him to a private room where she proceeds to "relax" him but good, repeatedly. Afterwards, breathless, she leans against his bare chest and says, "Oh my god, you sure didn't forget much since 1957!"

Major looks at his watch and says, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now.” Ba-ding!

And what with Father’s Day right around the corner, here’s a little story I remember my dad getting a kick out of: So this Polish immigrant goes to the Wisconsin Department of Motor Vehicles in Milwaukee to apply for a driver's license and is told he has to take an eye test. The examiner shows him a card with the letters:

C Z S I W Y K J N O S T A C Z

Examiner says, "Can you read this?" And the Polish guy says, "Not only can I read it, I know the guy!!"

Hey, since June is the month for brides and grooms, let’s wrap this up with a threesome: Husband and wife. Husband says, “You know, I was just wondering how come you never let me know you’re having an orgasm?” Wife says “ ’Cause you’re never around.”

And: Two elderly ladies are playing a nice game of canasta when one of them says, “So Mae, tell me. Did you and your late husband ever have mutual orgasm?” And Mae says, “No, I think we always had State Farm, wasn’t it?”

Three: A little boy asks his father, ''Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'' And the father replies, ''I don't know son, I'm still paying.''

Ba-ding-ding-ding! ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.

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