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Thursday, June 6, 2013

How Can I Find Women Willing To Have Sex With Me?

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I need advice about getting sex. I'm a healthy 30-year-old male with a good sex drive. My problem is that I HAVE NOT had sex in almost 12 years. I can't find a willing female partner to help me AT ALL. I'm basically an “Incel” or involuntarily celibate. Over a decade of absolutely no sexual contact has left me extremely depressed and questioning whether my life is even worth living.

I've dated sporadically over the years and nothing good has come from it. I don't want to try prostitution because it's illegal and I'm afraid of getting caught, plus I'm not attracted to most of the call girls I see online.

Masturbation is NOT doing it for me anymore, and a man can only masturbate so much before he really starts to feel like a loser. Are there any legal alternatives to help me "get back in the game" or any advice to help other men who are in the same position?

My first concern when reading your question is the fact that you describe yourself as extremely depressed. Serious depression is not something that I can solve through a column. I would strongly suggest finding a counselor who could help you with your depression and perhaps with the lack of connection you feel for potential sexual partners—it's not easy to meet people and form relationships; those are skills that need to be developed over time, and most people could use help in that department. I don't know where you're located, but a directory of sex therapists can be found through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT).

Your question to me was not about depression, though—it was about “getting sex.” You probably will not like my answer, which is basically to stop thinking about women as sex-dispensing machines and start thinking of them as people. You write, “I have not been able to find a willing female partner to help me.” When I read that sentence, it appears to me that you are thinking about sex very one-sidedly—something that you “get” and women “give,” with no reciprocity or regard for a partner’s desires or pleasure. I would be willing to guess that most women would not find that a particularly attractive proposition. Women do not owe you, or anyone else, sex; partner-sex is not something that people are entitled to. People engage in sexual activity because they want to get something out of it—physical pleasure, affection, intimacy, relationships, fun, trying something new, fulfilling psychological needs…the list goes on. But in order to “get sex,” you have to be willing and able to give something that a partner needs and wants.

Your question also makes me wish that sex work and masturbation were less stigmatized in our society. I think that sex work is actually a good solution in this type of situation; as I said above, sex should be reciprocal, and trading sex for monetary compensation can be a good framework in situations where the person who wants sex is unable to give things like pleasure or intimacy. I hear you about the illegal aspect, though—I wish that sex work were decriminalized so that this option would be less risky for both sex workers and their clients.

I don’t think that masturbation is “for losers,” either. Most people masturbate, whether they’re in relationships or not, and it’s a healthy release of sexual energy. There are all kinds of masturbation toys that people use to add variety to solo sex (Fleshlights, for instance, are one of our best-sellers at the Tool Shed).

I know you were probably hoping that I would provide a neat list of things you can do that will help you “get sex.” I don’t believe that such a list exists. I would encourage you, though, to start forming relationships with women based on shared interests, without the sole goal of sex in mind. Join mixed-gender groups, online or IRL, focused on activities or topics that you love. Sexual attraction and relationships are often connected to these kind of shared interests and desires and can arise organically once people start to get to know each other.

Laura Anne Stuart owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee’s East Side. She has a master’s degree in public health and has worked as a sexuality educator for more than fifteen years. Want Laura to answer your questions in SEXPress? Send them to laura@shepex.com. Not all questions received will be answered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questions that do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced in this column, both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity and content.

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