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Monday, Jan. 28, 2013

I’m a Submissive Guy.

How Can I Find a Partner Who Shares My Interests?

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 I find it very sexually stimulating to wear women’s clothing, especially lingerie. I [also] love bondage and discipline. I am submissive and will do anything a woman wants me to do, especially if it is very taboo—the nastier the better. I also like a woman to use a strap-on with me. My wife and I had a wild sex life but she passed away in May. I am lonely and want to find someone with the same interests as me. What percentage of young women are into this? (I am 30 years old.) Ever since my wife passed my desires for these activities have intensified. Why does a person take it to the level I do? Am I weird?

I would like to start off by saying that you are not weird. Human beings are incredibly diverse in terms of their sexual desires. As far as I’m concerned, as long as someone’s sexual activities are not harmful to him/her or anyone else, then they are well within the wide range of normal human sexual behavior.

There aren’t a lot of solid research studies that look at the percentage of people who are interested in dominance and submission. The National Center for Sexual Freedom states that between 5-10% of the U.S. population has engaged in “diverse practices for sexual pleasure on at least an occasional basis, with most incidents being either mild or staged activities involving no real pain or violence.” The Kinsey Institute cites one study that found that 11% of heterosexual females preferred a dominant role when engaging in bondage. We talk to people every day at the Tool Shed who want more information about female dominance and male submission, pegging (which is a term used to describe a woman using a strap-on harness and dildo to penetrate a male partner anally) and cross-dressing. Seriously. These are some of our most commonly asked questions. I don’t think there’s any one reason that people enjoy these activities—some of it could lie in the fact that they are taboo, as you mentioned—but the most important thing to me is not finding out why people enjoy them, but making sure that everyone is safe, supported and unashamed when they explore their desires, whatever they may be.

I am sorry to hear about your wife’s death. Sexual compatibility with a partner can be a very important part of a relationship and it’s one that we often can’t talk about openly after someone is gone. I do think that there are a lot of resources out there to help you find a new partner who shares your desires. One online resource is Fetlife, which is kind of like Facebook for kinky people. You can create a profile, share your interests and find others who are supportive of them. If you prefer meeting people in real life rather than online, most cities have munches (regular social gatherings for kinky people) or other group events. Tool Shed staff are happy to share information about Milwaukee munches with those who visit the store and enquire. Finally, there are regional gatherings such as Madison’s Madtown Kinkfest (www.madtownkinkfest.com) (coming up in February) and Chicago’s Kinky Kollege (in April) that create opportunities to learn, network and play.

In summary, you are normal, there are other people who share your interests and there are multiple venues to help you find new partners. Good luck and have fun!

Laura Anne Stuart owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee’s East Side. She has a master’s degree in public health and has worked as a sexuality educator for more than fifteen years. Want Laura to answer your questions in SEXpress? Send them to laura@shepex.com.Not all questions received will be answered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questions that do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced in this column, both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity and content.

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