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I Stand on Guard for Thee

Nov. 8, 2012
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I’m Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain’a? So listen, here you read a voice from out of the past. For me with the deadline, it’s Election Day, Tuesday, Nov. 6, and by the time you maybe take a gander at this essay, you’ll already know who won, who got shafted, whether or not the Republicans were successful in stealing the Ohio vote through voting-machine shenanigans, so what can I say, what the fock.

Well sir, I can say this: Last weekend, we were all benefited by the boon of an extra 60 minutes, courtesy of the machinations wielded by fall’s daylight-saving time adjustment. And each and every year, I always try to put this free hour to good use—learn a foreign language; darn a couple, three socks; blow the dust off my Buffet clarinet and re-memorize the Mozart Clarinet Concerto in A major, K. 622—you betcha.

This year, I decided to use that gift of time to investigate what our quiet neighbor to the north—that being the constitutional monarchy of Canada—may have to offer a prospective expatriate such as me, in the event that come Wednesday, Nov. 7, Mr. Etch A focking Sketch has claimed the White House and his know-nothing Republican cohorts control the other two branches of what used to be a government.

What did I know about Canada besides the ass-boring National Film Board of Canada documentaries on “King Coal” we had to sleep through in eighth-grade science class, or that they’re the No. 1 publisher of recipe books for the preparation and serving of “road kill”? Yeah, not much.

But during my hour of research and study, I began to learn that I’ll take their health-care system over ours any focking day of the week. Publicly funded? No deductibles? Virtually no co-pays that empty your wallet just to walk through the doctor’s door because you’re puking sick or worse?

So I’m cutting this essay off here and now, ’cause I got more studying to do. And if this election doesn’t turn out the way I’d prefer, you can bet your buck two-eighty that I will grab my coat, get my hat, leave my worries on the doorstep and head out for that sunny side of the street, ’cause I’m Art Kumbalek and I told you so.

 

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