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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Wishing Well

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I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, sorry to say I can't dish out a fully blown essay for you's this week, on account of because I've been called away on assignment, what the fock.

With the passing of Ray Bradbury, my assignment requires me to perform some researching so I can do some reporting as to the whereabouts of the future and to try to figure out what the big holdup is all about. For christ sakes, as long ago as maybe 60-70 years back, a select group of scientists, thinkers and like ilk had all but guaranteed that by the year 2012 at least, everything would be silver and black, and that we would have flying cars with which to navigate a world of peace. I also remember reading somewheres that pedestrians were supposed to have anti-gravity belts by now that would be handy for short jaunts around the town.

I don't know about you, but I'm still waiting and I aim to find out why. I abso-focking-lutely will do my best to figure out what's up with this future thing, because goddamn it, we all need a bright gleamy future and we need it right now.


So to fill up what's left of this page, let's dip once again into Art's Joke Bag, what the fock:


About health care: Guy goes to the doctor. Doctor says, “I have some bad news, and some very bad news.” The guy says, “Well, might as well give me the bad news first.” Doctor says, “The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.” Guy says, “24 HOURS! You got to be jerking my beefaroni. So what the fock's the very bad news?” Doctor says, “I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.”


For you June brides: Father Bienville was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service when Lindy Le Moyne came up to him in tears. The priest asked what was wrong and Lindy said, “Oh father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."


Father Bienville said, "That's terrible. Tell me, Lindy, did he have any last requests?" And Lindy Le Moyne said that he had: “Yes, father. He said, 'Please, Lindy, put down the gun.'"


And speaking of fathers: So one day this dad sits his 10-year-old son down and asks him if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don't want to know!” the boy says, bursting into tears. The dad's a tad confused and asks the boy what the heck's wrong. The boy sobs and says, “Dad, for me there was no Santa Claus when I got to be 7. No Easter Bunny at 8. No Tooth Fairy at 9. And now, if you're telling me that grown-ups don't really focking screw, I've got nothing left to believe in!”
Ba-ding!

Come to think of it, the kid in the story above reminds me of another story:


So this teacher walks to the blackboard one day and notices someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turns to the class and scans the faces for a guilty one, but no such luck, so she quickly erases the highly offensive word and begins class.


Next day, teacher walks into class and notices, in larger letters this time, that word “penis” on the blackboard again. She looks around the classroom for the culprit unsuccessfully, so erases the word and begins another butt-boring lesson. Wouldn't you know, every day for a week, teacher sees the same word on the blackboard, written larger than the day before; and so her prosecutorial efforts remain constant, yet ineffective.


Finally comes the day the teacher enters but, instead of seeing “penis” on the blackboard, reads the following, “Hey Teach', lesson for the day is the more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”
Ba-ding!

And about the difficulties the physically challenged may confront: A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. A beautiful woman walks by, stops and says, "You poor man, I'll bet you've never been kissed, have you?" The man has to admit that no, he never has. The beautiful woman bends down and plants a tender kiss upon his lips.

A few minutes later, an even more beautiful woman walks up to our limbless sunbather and says, "You look like you could use a nice hug." He agrees that he surely could use a nice hug, which she then sweetly administers, and walks away.


A while later, an absolute drop-dead gorgeous gal walks by. She stops, and with a sultry smile on her face, looks down at him and says, “Mister, have you ever been focked?" Displaying a hopeful grin, he says, “Actually, no. I have not.” And the drop-dead gorgeous gal says, "Well, you are now. The tide's coming in."
Ba-ding!

And of fathers, and sons, this time of year, I'll be seeing you, as the song goes, in all the familiar places, in every lovely summer's day, I remember you 'cause I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.