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Friday, June 8, 2012

Jerked Beefaroni

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I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh man manischewitz what a world, ain'a? So listen, it's Tuesday, June 5, for me and I just got back from voting the recall and boy-oh is my franchise tired, I tell you.

Too pooped to pop out a regular essay for you's, instead I thought I'd honor the rosy job numbers (former?) Gov. Snidely Whiplash recently pulled out of his ass by opening up Art Kumbalek's Joke Bag for a look-see, what the fock:

A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her soon-to-be groom and sees that he has a set of golf clubs with him.

“What in the world are you doing with those golf clubs in church?” she whispers.

“Well,” he says, “this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?”
Ba-ding!

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my dad that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful. That's just FOCKING beautiful!'"


Eddie, Vince and Crow are working the 23rd floor of this new high-rise going up. Vince says to Crow, “Hey Crowman, is that a quarter on that girder over there?” Crow shouts, “Mine!” So natch', in his rush to be first to the quarter, Crow loses the ol' balance and quickly de-escalates the 23 floors.

So now Eddie and Vince have a situation, which is that one of them needs to inform Crow's now-widowed better half. Vince says that since he's the one who got Crow to bite on the old “Is that a quarter?” routine, he'd go tell the Mrs. that she was one husband lighter.

After about two hours, Vince returns, carrying a six-pack of ice-cold bottled beer. Eddie asks, “So did you tell her? And what the fock's up with the six-pack?” Vince says, “Yeah, I told her. And she gave me the beer. Want one?”

“You got to be jerking my beefaroni,” Eddie says. “You just told her that her husband died and she gives you a six-pack?”

And Vince says, “You betcha. When she answered the door, I asked her if she was Crow's widow. 'Widow?' she says. 'No, there must be some mistake. I'm not a widow.' So I says, “Oh yeah? Care to bet a six-pack on it?”
Ba-ding!

So this doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looks at the thermometer, annoyed, and says, "Well that's great, just focking great—some asshole's got my pen." Ba-ding!

So Billy Joe is walking down Main Street when he sees his buddy Dale driving a brand-new pickup truck. Dale pulls up to him, canary-eating grin in tow, and Billy Joe says, “Dale, where'd you get that truck?” And Dale says, “Bobbi Sue done give it to me.”

Now Billy Joe, he's a little skeptical and says, “Hold on, there. I knew she was kinda sweet on y'all, but I can't believe she'd give you a new truck.” And Dale says, “Listen up, we were driving out on County Road 6 smack-dab in the middle of nowhere. Bobbi Sue, she pulls off the road, puts the truck into 4-wheel drive and heads into the woods. She parks the truck, gets out, throws off all her clothes and says, 'Dale, you take whatever you want, y'hear?' So, I took the truck!” And Billy Joe says, “Dale, you are one cagey cracker. Them clothes of hers woulda never ever fit you.”
Ba-ding!

So this teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says. A little girl raises her hand and says, "Are you sure about that, Miss Giertanmachtenthaler? Because I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could be, asked the girl to tell the class about her kitty-cat. "Well," the little girl begins, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and this big rottweiler dog who lives next door was going all crazy, and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”

"That must've been scary,"
Miss Giertanmachtenthaler said. "It sure was,” the little girl says. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, F-f-f-f-f'... And before he could say 'Fock off,' the rottweiler bit his head off!"

Ba-ding-ding-ding! 'cause I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.