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Thursday, March 22, 2012

I Want to Have an Orgasm During Sex With My Partner

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I've been quite worried lately about my sex life with my partner. He's great, but I can't seem to get off. I have many times before, but only with myself and from stimulating the clitoris. Could you give us some tips on how I can actually have the “Big O” with my partner?

This is a very common concern—so common, in fact, that I've linked at the end of this column to three articles that I've written before in response to similar questions from readers. There are a couple of myths about women's sexuality wrapped up in this question, and if you and your partner can move beyond these, you'll be well on your way to sex that's great for both of you.

The majority of women—some estimates say about 75% of them—require some kind of clitoral stimulation in order to have an orgasm. So it's completely normal that you do have orgasms when you're masturbating by yourself and playing with your clit, and it's also completely normal to not have orgasms during sex with a partner that doesn't include clitoral stimulation.

So, if you want to have an orgasm during sex with your partner, give some attention to the clit! Try using your fingers, your partner's fingers, or a vibrator on the clitoris before, after or during vaginal penetration—whatever feels best to you. Although we often think that penis-in-vagina intercourse is the ultimate sexual act, and that this is when orgasm “should” happen, there's a lot more to sex than that. You may find, for instance, that you like getting off by having your partner perform oral sex on you first, followed by vaginal penetration during which he has an orgasm—everyone gets something they like, everyone wins.

Most men are very concerned about their partner's sexual pleasure and would appreciate learning more about what gets them off. Perhaps you could give your partner a sexy solo show and masturbate in front of him to show him how you like to be touched, then work some of this type of touch into your sex together.

For more information about having an orgasm during sex with a partner, check out these previous columns. I hope it will make you feel more confident to see that you are not the only person who's concerned about this!

He Comes Before I Do…What Can We Do?

No Orgasms from Vaginal Penetration

The (Almost) Impossible Dream: Orgasm During Intercourse

Want Laura to answer your questions in SEXpress? Send them to laura@shepex.com. Not all questions received will be answered in the column, and Laura cannot provide personal answers to questions that do not appear here. Questions sent to this address may be reproduced in this column, both in print and online, and may be edited for clarity and content.

Laura Anne Stuart has a master's degree in public health and has worked as a sexuality educator for more than a decade. She owns the Tool Shed, an erotic boutique on Milwaukee's East Side.

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