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Wednesday, Aug. 17, 2011

Nutjob Creator

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I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? Listen, got to skip the essay and meet up with the fellas to make our Irish Fest plans, so I'm on my way over by the Uptowner tavern/charm school where the guys to be sure are already gathered to dilly-dally the day away whilst a' waiting for my sorry ass to shine around. Come along if you'd like, but you buy the first round.

Emil:
How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? I say two, but how the hell they got in there beats me.

Julius:
You dipstick. That's the bulb for the French guys, or maybe the Greek guys, I forget. It takes twenty-focking-four Irish guys to screw in a light bulb—one to hold the bulb and 23 to keep drinking whiskey 'til the room spins like a banshee.

Little Jimmy Iodine:
Any of you's guys read in the papers about that institute out in California for the search of extraterrestrial intelligence?

Herbie:
Anytime I hear of some outfit out of Californica that goes by the name of an institute or academy, my nut radar starts to hyperventilate. Contacting aliens? A terrible idea. What if we get mixed up with a bunch of conquistadors from who-knows-where? Hey, go ask the Aztecs how that panned out for them—if you can find any.

Little Jimmy Iodine:
Hey, Artie! Over here. Put a load on your keister.

Art:
Hey, gents. What do you hear, what do you know.

Emil:
I heard those conquistadors were the first to find America, like way before Columbus?

Ernie:
For christ sakes. It was Eric the focking Red Viking discovered America way before it was even called America, except he didn't stick around long, which is why we speak the King's focking English today instead of the King's focking Norski.

Julius:
Maybe they didn't hang around long 'cause they ran into the so-called natives here of the time and maybe they got their butts kicked, so they high-tailed it.

Herbie:
Then again, at that time maybe there weren't any natives here, nobody they could rape and plunder. So they landed in America but it seemed a lot like Norway and they figured, hey, who needs this crap?

Emil:
What do you mean nobody was here? What about all the Indians? You think all of a sudden they came from another planet?

Art:
It's possible, I kid you not.

Little Jimmy:
I heard on a TV show that the Indians might've come all the way here from Asia some place, but then the people in South America say, "No way, Jose." They say they went the other way, from South America to Asia. How 'bout that?

Julius:
That's ridiculous. Who the fock would rather be in Asia instead of South America, especially if you had to walk all the way. Answer me that, Mr. Smart Guy.

Herbie:
My focking point is there's no such goddamn thing as natives 'cause every bunch of peoples throughout time has been relocating from here to there and then slaughtering whoever needed slaughtering, if they put up too much fuss over the new group taking over. In that regard, you happen to hear about the Euro-focking-peans the most because when they started taking over and slaughtering, the printing press had been discovered so there's lots more records of them than, say, the caveman groups.

Ray:
Same as like you were going out on the wife for some tootsie and then some knob snaps a photo of you coming out of the love nest just because he could, ain'a?

Emil:
I don't know, Herbie. I never heard of nothing ever like people coming from the Congo or somewheres to take over Switzerland. Explain that.

Herbie:
"Who'd want to?" That's how you explain. What would they need cuckoo clocks and tiny, varnished gingerbread houses in the Congo for, you focking nitwit.

Julius:
But why would olden-time South Americans want to go all the way from let's say around where Peru is, up through your Mexico, the West Coast, over the focking land bridge and all the way into Asia? So they could see the Taj Ma-focking-hal, which probably hadn't even been built yet? Don't you think at some point, like when they hit Alaska, they would've said, "What are we, focking nuts? I'm freezing my dupa off, let's go home."

Ray:
No shit, Sherlock. And then how the hell would the first bunch that went over to another continent get more to follow? Are you saying they'd have to go all the way back and say, "Hey you guys, you know if you walk a really long, long ways, like for a couple, three years, you can end up in a place that's a whole lot like where you started from. Want to see?" Forget about it.

Herbie:
Abso-focking-lutely. And what was going through the minds of those that decided to just focking stay around the North Pole so that years later they would become Eskimos? What, they decided to stay so they could corner the world market in igloos? What the fock, even the focking Spanish didn't want nothing to do with the Frozen North when they came a' conquistadoring.

Little Jimmy:
That's true. I'll bet that's why so very few Eskimos are named Jesus, ain'a?

(Hey, it's getting late and I know you got to go, but thanks for letting us bend your ear, saol fada chugat 'cause I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.)