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Thursday, July 21, 2011

How 'bout a Hundred Things Not To Do

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I'm Art Kumbalek and man oh manischewitz what a world, ain'a? Can't slap together much of an essay for you's this week on account of because I'm expecting the guys at my door any second now in order to haul my sorry ass Up North past by Hayward there for another Valhalla week at my buddy Ernie's brother-in-law's ramshackle cabin/cold-water coop, what the fock.

And natch', I'm sick to death from concern for your safety and well-being during my absence. So's I figure the best and most noble thing I can do for you's is to provide a list of “don'ts” that I'd like you all to pay strict attention to while I'm gone for your own focking good. Thank you.


Do Not:


  • Eat your shorts.
  • Eat my shorts.
  • Have a buddy putting all the cocktails on his tab and at some point during the evening before bar time you say, “No thanks, I've had enough.”
  • Watch any movie with a “Dame” so-and-so somebody in it unless you got the insomnia bad.
  • Get stinking drunk in a boat out on the water and I'll tell you why. I knew these three guys years ago who went out fishing along with a couple, three cases of ice-cold bottled beer. So they're out there all goddamn day catching nothing but one hell of a buzz under the hot sun. At one point, one of the tipsy trio stands up to take a leak, loses his balance and flips head-over-heels right over the side of the boat into the water and starts to sink.

The other two bozos are so blasted that they don't even notice their buddy has jumped ship until maybe a half-hour later. No sooner do they realize that they're no longer three men in a tub but two than do they dive into the water and frantically grope around for the missing mariner. Eventually, one of the loopy lifeguards grabs ahold of his overboard buddy down deep, hauls him into the boat and commences with the mouth-to-mouth.

“Jesus H. Christ!” he says, recoiling in revulsion. “I don't remember Corky's breath stinking to the high heaven like this, do you?”

And the other guy says, “Fock no. And not only that. I don't remember him wearing that snowmobile suit, either!” Ba-ding!

  • Ever give the correct time when asked by a late-night stranger on a darkened, desolate street, but instead always reply, “Time? You bet. How 'bout time to buy a focking watch, loser.”
  • Forget to tip.
  • Make an appointment for a routine medical checkup. It's a no-win situation. If you're feeling OK and you go to the doctor's and he says you're OK, what have you gained? Not a focking thing, but you certainly have lost time and money. Now, if you go and the doc says, “Uh-oh, we got a problem here,” well, now not only do you have a problem but you're bound to be depressed about it, and who in their right mind needs that kind of combo? You tell me.
  • Walk into a biker bar and shout, “Hey, which one of you candy asses used to own the wuss Electra Glide out front I just backed into with my Nissan?”
  • Ever attend any kind of festival that for entertainment does not feature a topless tent for gentlemen.
  • Order a salad instead of a steak.
  • Find a pair of bum's underwear on the street and wear them before laundering.
  • OK, the following isn't a “don't” but I got lakes and fishing on my mind, so what the fock: This guy's standing at the edge of a lake when he spies a woman who looks familiar, flailing to and fro out in the deepest part. Since he can't swim, he starts yelling for help and wouldn't you know, some trout fisherman runs up to him. The guy says to the fisherman, “My wife's drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars.”

The trout guy dives into the water and in just a couple powerful strokes reaches the woman, puts his arm around her and swims back to shore. The fisherman drops her at the guy's feet and says, “So how about that hundred dollars?”

And the guy says, “Listen, when I saw her going down for the third time, I truly did think it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.”

And the trout fisherman fishes through his pockets and says, “Damn, just my luck. OK, buddy, how much do I owe you?”
Ba-ding!

  • Forget about at least one good deed daily.
  • Get sick without health insurance.
  • Vote Republican.
  • Just stand there.
  • Look back.

All right already, that may not be exactly 100 “don'ts,” so sue me. But the guys are banging down the door and I got to go, so see you when I see you 'cause I'm Art Kumbalek and I told you so.

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