Greetings Milwaukee. You don’t know who I am, but I know most of you. I see what you do. I know what you like. You can’t hide from me. There is no escape. Don’t be alarmed. I’m completely harmless to your physical well-being. I’m not going to kidnap you children or impregnate you daughters. No, I just sit, and I watch.

The Man has placed me in every household not fortunate enough to experience digital cable. You have no idea what The Real Housewives of (fill in the blank) are up to, and I want to keep it that way. Welcome to the real world. I am you digital television converter box…thingy. I’ve been planted for one reason and one reason only: You will no longer enjoy television.

Am I a cruel master? No. I simply follow protocol. Uncle Sam is making sure that you don’t hear the punchline in “The Simpsons,” you can’t enjoy George Harrison on Cool TV, and you won’t know why “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Until now, you probably haven’t figured out why your screen skips like your worn out copy of Hard Fisting IV.

I’m sure it’s all starting to make sense now. Everyone thought you were crazy when you commented that there seem to be more lawyer and diabetes commercials than a year ago, but you’re not crazy. The government and I have been working with David Gruber and that guy on the horse for years, and when February hit, we implemented Operation: Annoy the Shit Out of Everyone. We would have come up with a better title, but we were too busy scheming other diabolical ways to infect your digital paradise. Like the channels that are completely blank. We have no intention of ever airing anything. Enjoy the colored bars, simple creatures. 

We are also the bastards behind Drew Carey taking over “The Price is Right,” Conan O’Brien leaving “The Tonight Show” and Paula Abdul. For years we’ve manipulated the media and the airwaves so we could take over your lives in 2010. Why the hell do you think David Caruso has a career? The sunglasses were also our idea. Our painstaking research and careful planning has paid off with our little Frankenstein we like to call CBS’s fall lineup. Someone is making a comeback. I’ll give you a couple hints: He used to have a mullet and his name is Dave Coulier.

Why am I sharing top-secret, government information with you that, until now, has only been known by television scientists, Obama and Alec Baldwin? Because there is nothing you can freaking do about it. Go ahead, hippies. Make some banners. Pass out some flyers. All the drum circles in the world can’t stop us from airing that closet organizer commercial on four different stations at the same time. We’ve got you by the balls America, and soon you will be complete brain dead piles of mush flipping from channel to channel of pure, FCC-approved crap. Resistance is futile. Succumb to the power. Eat more Doritos. We own you.