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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Couple Fight Survival Guide

Weier Not Amused

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Lock up your children and bar your doors and windows—no place is safe anymore. They lurk in parking lots, malls, and restaurants. They walk among us undetected. They are our friends and co-workers. They are seemingly normal people until one moment—BAM!—they strike. Who are these elusive creatures running wild in the streets and ruining perfectly good dinners and concerts? They are couples, and they are fighting.

While couple fights occur everywhere and at any moment, there are very different types.  I feel it is my duty now to classify the couple quarrels so you can better prepare yourself the next time you are caught in the middle of one. Consider this a survival guide.

1. The Parking Lot Feud (Run While You Still Can)

The parking lot feud is usually a one-sided fight. Carrie is on her cell phone and yelling at Steve because he doesn’t know the difference between fabric softener and dryer sheets. She makes it a point to yell as loudly as she can so everybody in a three-mile radius knows she is pissed and her boyfriend is being a dick. The fight isn’t really about laundry materials. It stems back to the time Steve got really drunk at Carrie’s work Christmas party and talked to another boyfriend who was dragged along. Since Steve didn’t acknowledge her presence for 15 minutes, Carrie decided she would bring out the beast within every time he does something stupid. It’s July now, and Steve does something stupid approximately 5-6 times a day. Unfortunately, Carrie is also located in a parking lot with cell phone in hand about 5-6 times day. If you hear stomping and “I just told you. Fabric softener is in a bottle, idiot,” run like hell.

2. The Silent Group Dinner (There is No Escape)

In this situation, the whole gang gets together to go out for dinner. It’s Joe’s birthday or something. Nobody wants to invite Chad and Jenny, but everyone knows they have to. Maybe it won’t be like last time when they screamed at each other for 12 minutes about who was supposed to feed the dog and then sat in silence for another hour. But it’s totally like last time. However, this time the dog is dead and Chad forgot to pick up a birthday card for Joe, even though Jenny remind him via call, text and email. Just as the appetizer comes to the table, the verbal dispute begins. By the time the next round of drinks arrives, the silence has set and everyone is real uncomfortable. Eyes are averted, random coughs echo and small comments about the food can be heard all while Jenny faintly cries and Chad angrily eats his bacon cheeseburger. The meal and Joe’s birthday are officially ruined, and the couple leaves silently after playing it cheap and not throwing down for the tip. Bitches!

3. The 3 a.m. Scream Out (Nobody Will Sleep!)

It’s very late, and Brian and Kimberly are very drunk. They just got back from the 3rd annual Sigma Tau Epsilon bar crawl. Without even a chance to shut the door to the apartment they share in a building with very thin walls, the screaming match begins.

“I don’t give a shit what you do,” Kimberly yells.

“Then why are you always on my ass about where I am and who I’m with and what I’m doing?” Brian yells back.

“Because I want to know if there are other girls there.”

“So what if I’m with other girls?”

Not a smart thing to say Brian. You just opened a can of death worms, and Kimberly is about to eat your soul. She grabs the nearest object that is heavy enough to injure Brian, but definitely not kill him. It’s a Taylor Swift CD. Brian got it for Kimberly’s birthday, and she loves it. After it hits him in the eye, she realizes that she loves him more than anything in the world. She switches out the screaming for crying, but keeps it as the same volume. Brian is also no longer yelling, but his big, douchey voice can be heard as loud as ever. It’s now 4 a.m., and the neighbor in apartment B has just dialed the last 1 in 911.