How can we recognize when our desire for control becomesexcessive or unhealthy?
Thereis a difference between giving direction, suggestion or advice and saying,“It's my way or no way.” Let's take the example of raising children. Whenchildren are very young or in their elementary years, they definitely needstructure or predictability. They need to know that an adult is going to berelatively consistent. If not, they are likely to grow up feeling insecure orunsure of themselves. Now, as they become olderlet's say the teenage years,there should be a balance between providing structure and flexibility. Kidsneed to be allowed to make some mistakes. Now the question becomes, when theymake a mistake, is it going to become a learning experience or is the childgoing to be crucified and develop a sense of anger or mistrust? As they getolder and become young adults, they have to be allowed even more flexibilityand hopefully they will again learn from their mistakes. When a parent becomesand remains too structured or too rigid, especially as children get older, Ibelieve that you will begin to see signs of dysfunctionanger, arguments,withdrawal behavior…
Thisbook is not about prisons, per se. The book is very down to earth and filledwith real stories about real peoplethese are stories that almost anyone canrelate to. This book is about relationshipsrelationships that are more likeprisons than anything else. When a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend,parent, co-worker, sibling or individual tries to control another person, theend result is usually not a good one. As a result, people can go through lifebeing very unhappy and experience a very low quality of human relationship,whether it is a marriage or whatever.
How can we recognize that we have an unhealthy need tocontrol other people or the environment around us? What are some symptoms?
Themore an individual has an excessive need to control other people or things, themore likely it is that the person who is attempting to control others isexperiencing a lot of internal chaos or confusion. Now, people who are controllingmay or may not be aware of what they are doing. In many cases, they are fullyaware but they just don't give a damn because all they are interested in isthemselves and their own personal gain. They could care less about people,including their own loved ones.
One of the ways controlling people compensateor try to correct for this sense of internal chaos is to try to micromanageothers. You see this a lot in business situations. For example, a good boss,manager, supervisor or administrator should be able to recognize who their goodemployees are. The employees who are competent should be left alone to do theirjobs. Now, for people who may be having trouble or challenges with their jobs,a good boss should take the time to look at “why” the person is having trouble.Do they just need some kind of support in one area or is it just the result ofa bad attitude. If an employee has a bad attitude, one might want to considerif it is the result of some situational or personal crisis or do they reallynot give a damn about what they are doing… If the person in authority has doneeverything they can to help the person and things still are not working out,perhaps a change is required.
The problem is, bosses who tend to micromanageeveryoneespecially the good employeesare doing it because they are trying tocompensate for their own inadequacy or incompetence. In essence, they aretrying to create a sense of control even though it is a superficial one. As aresult, a controlling boss can drive the good employees out of a business andthe whole thing goes down the tubes. The exact same thing can happen inrelationships. People who experience a lot of internal chaos usually try tocompensate by trying to control or micromanage their spouses, their friends,their children, their co-workers or significant others. As a result, therelationships suffer and people go through life with miserable marriages,relationships and ultimately an unhappy and unfulfilled life.
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